Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Too many questions

Last Thursday I found out that another transplant recipient has left us.  I say another because there have been others in the past year.  For many different reasons they are gone but most have to do with their heart.  This person was 2 years younger than Danny.  One minute he was talking to the paramedics and then next he was gone.  Just like that.  

You wouldn't believe the questions going around in my head.  Here goes...  Should his family look on the bright side and be thankful for the 3 extra years he lived after his transplant or be pissed this happened? After all life seems to be a second to second process.  Do I worry about Danny? Every second of every day.  Do I get tired of worrying? Every second of every day.  Do I wish it would all go away?  Yes, but that won't make it so. Does it help to worry? Not much but I can't turn it off.  Is this because I have the ability to love or that I care about my fellow man?  How can a person not have a conscience?  How can a living breathing "human being" hurt anything living and breathing?  I don't know but they sure can.  Is this free will?  If god doesn't stop bad things from happening then how can he be "watching" over us and taking care of us?  I think he's just watching.  Wonder what he thinks of his creations.  And, no, you don't know what he thinks no matter what other people tell you.  Maybe I'd be better off or happier if had a IQ of 87 or lower.  When I worked with mentally challenged kids they all seemed to be so happy with who they were, no worries. What you don't know can't hurt you? Maybe they just let others worry for them.  Maybe they are smarter than I think.  But I don't want to give up what I have in life.

Each one of the thoughts above could generate it's own book.  Every person probably has thoughts just like this all the time.  Why do I have the urge to put it on paper?  Why do I try to comb out this tangled mess of random thoughts? 

Add all this to the thoughts of Mary all day long and my brain gets fried.  Why Mary?  Why not me? Is life that random?  Does this show that there is no "pattern" to life? Do those people who tell you "there is a reason why things happen, you just can't see it yet.  God is in control." say that just to make you feel better when shit happens?  If someone else is in control then you have someone to blame or rather you don't have to blame yourself.  You don't have to take responsibility for your life.  Well that just sucks. 

I found a post by an evangelist who couldn't understand why all the prayers for his wife's cancer wasn't healing her.  He said he finally realized that not all prayers are answered.  Ya think???

And this is the tip of the "crazies" iceberg.

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