Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Random Love

I really don't like writing anymore.  I can think of Mary in my mind more easily.  If it's a good thought there is no problem.  If it's a painful thought I can turn it off, ignore it and go on to something else a lot easier than if I'm writing about it.  So I force myself now to write this.  

I have realized that I am trying to live through Mary by being her.  I wear her shoes, some of her clothes, jewelry.  I am was getting down to her weight but haven't made it.  I've gained a few pounds because now my jaw doesn't hurt as much and I actually have an appetite.  I talk to Tony and imagine that Mary is somewhere with him. 

I made friends with many of Mary's friends. But many of those friends have moved away or moved on with their lives.  I have expected nothing less but it is still uncomfortable.  But I know under normal circumstances I would not be this close with her friends.  After all, they are her friends, not mine.  They are years younger, as well they should be.  We only have Mary in common.

I am smiling more lately.  Not sure why.  Danny noticed, not me.  

I can't do the fund raisers for Mary's funds anymore.  I don't know how I did the two that I did.  The third was Bonnie's and all of her visions for doing the same thing this year have never been mentioned. I don't know if I will be able to complete the scholarship funds either.  But I do have 4 more years.  We'll see.  I shouldn't have taken it on so soon after she left.  But I was grasping at straws.

Everything around the outside of my house has changed since last year and is still changing.  I'm helping them change too.  I guess this is good since it is for the better.  The inside of my house is slowly evolving but I still have all of Mary's pictures and stuff all over the house.

I found a friend from 30 years ago on facebook.  She and her husband came to our house for dinner one nite and we are going to theirs.  We still have a lot in common. Found another friend also but she hasn't actually talked to me.  Am I going backward in time on purpose?

I'm working longer hours than I have in months past.  Sometimes I want to sometimes it just happens.  But I still don't work at home more than 2 hours a month when I know I could get so much done if I did. 

Next Monday is the court date for Mary's case.  I'm still nervous about them filing motions to suppress evidence.  No, actually I am REALLY worried even though the DA said not to be.  

Danny's checkup was fine last week.  This weekend was a holiday and they did do a transplant yesterday.  But not Danny's.  

I'm tired of trying to do so many activities I used to want to do for to keep from feeling guilty that I don't or haven't done them.  I do want to give back, I'm just so tired, and a little aimless.  I just want to sit and vegetate for awhile.  Figure out myself.  No one is pushing me but myself and I'm trying to stop.

If life is so very random, how do you explain love.

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