Wednesday, December 14, 2011


I wonder if I could live in a beach community.  It's not a question, it's a comment on life.  Something has to change.  Not sure what.

I woke up around 3:30 or 4 this morning.  Laid in bed for awhile.  Tossing, thinking, crying a little sometimes.  Finally got up at 5 (looked at my phone) and made coffee.  Laid on the floor beside Chuyi for awhile, snuggling my face in her fur, petting her nose, and just holding on to her.  She follows me almost everywhere. If not me then Kerry.  She's always under foot just like Danny says.

I'm sitting in my chair in Kerry's room, blankie covering my legs and lap, yarn and needle at hand, mixed media books and mags half read, TV show running, and my computer. All this varied input funneling into my life space, my brain, and still I can't focus on any one thing.   (OMG I'm sitting here critiquing the stupid TV show because they are firing guns everywhere and no one is getting hit but the cars.  Such bad shots.) And then there's the shopping.  Every chance I get I'm out buying something.

I went down to Emory on Monday for the heart support groups holiday party.  I took my hats and scarves and art work too.  I stopped by the coordinators office to see everyone.  It didn't feel as weird as I expected maybe because Danny never goes with me to their office.  Once or twice in the past he went with me.  I gave them all a hat and a box of truffles and some cards.  Forgot to leave cards for everyone.  I'll just mail them.  Gave some truffles to the ICU where Danny was.  Went to Wendy's office and gave her a present.  We talked, remembered, laughed, teared up a little.  Then on the party.  It was quiet mostly.  A few new people, a few missing people, and some of the same.  Ever changing venue of faces and names.  I've been there too long.  I'm already thinking "who won't be there next year".  What a horrible thought.  They took group pictures of "the hearts", the caregivers, and then both.  Yes, I felt really awkward.  But not being the pics would have made them feel weird.  I probably won't be going much anymore.

It's school time.  What would I do without the constant noise of kids running around making noise while getting ready for school.  I like the calm, quiet when they aren't here but I like the noise sometimes too.

Does TV and movies give us the drama we don't have in our real lives?  Not that we lack drama, it's jut not the kind that is interesting to anyone else.  That's why the writers have to liven it up a bit.  Too much lag time between events in real life.  People get transplants in less than 24 hours, criminals get their guilty verdicts in one day, no one goes to the bathroom, sleeps in, or doesn't talk for hours in the make believe world.

Saturday was a crappy day.  Didn't do anything but sit.  Kerry was in Cherokee and Julie was mostly off doing stuff.  Amber came over and we went to see Rachael's new headstone.  I dressed warm this time.  I can't go there without crying but it was dark and no one could see and I didn't have to talk much.  There was a candle for Danny too.

I wish I could say I hate my life. But that's not what I hate.  I hate being here without Mary and Danny.  I'm not alone but I am lonely even in a crowd.  Sad and lonely.  I make things, I create things, but I don't enjoy.  It's hollow.  One step at a time.  Don't give in, don't cry.

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