SBT

So this is the end of a year with great highs and lows. Lows so deep I didn't want to keep going. Highs high enough to make me smile for a week. But I've lost all the joy I once had. Don't know when I'll get it back if ever.
So I sit here watching old tv shows as if time will go back to when they were made. Every nite I go to sleep reliving the last hour. I can't get it out of my head. Just like I couldn't get the crash out.
Get on with the business of living I keep telling my self. Sometimes I listen.
I got up this morning to work on my art. Sat down at 9am to log on to work to see if they needed me and got up at 5pm. My doc said I should go back to work to give some structure. And I am but I haven't got the heart for it I use to have. It took me a long time to get it back after Mary left and now I'm afraid it's gone for good. But I have bill to pay so.... Good thing I like my co workers..they are some of the best friends I have.

Sad but true.... Sbt

My bad...

A girl Danny's age that we visited at Emory got a heart this week.  Started having the same troubles that Danny did but now her kidney's are working.  Her new heart is having a little trouble so she is still critical. I can't help but feel a little jealous.
It's been 5 days now and she's still having trouble. I'm so sorry she's still in icu. Everyone is giving god all the praises. What's going to happen if it all goes wrong. What will the praises be about then? Is that mean? If I could pray I would. But I truly hope she gets well.
I have to quit reading all the transplant links and remove them. I'll the buddies but not the rest. It hurts more than I had thought it would. I'm so confused.

Uummmm

I miss my kids,too. Long day yesterday. Things to do, places to go, people to see. But no joy in seeing the sunrise. Every day is a little too long for me. Thanks, Kerry, for trying to distract me with wonderful toys. It works for a little bit. Then the numbness comes back because I don't have Danny to run to and show my toys to. Or argue with about letting him have them, or talking about getting him the same thing. After all, it's only money and you can't take it with you.
Distractions are good for only so much anesthesia.

Shopping again

Yes, shopping again.  This time with Cindy and Amber.  Getting Cindy's hair cut and my hair place then to lunch with Amber and on to shopping.  Boy do I like to spend money.  Don't have any but that's not stopping me.  This is my escape, my release, the faux kleenex for my heart when it's bleeding.  

I have more pictures to create.  I can feel them.  Just need some peace and quiet.  Maybe I'll take another art class.  Never know.

Wednesday night I didn't go sleep.  Got in bed at 2am after finishing a hat and laid there until Kerry got up at 4am.  Then I just got up too.  Went back to making hats again and drinking coffee.  Just sitting in my chair with the quiet darkness outside and the little light on over my head reminds me I am still standing in the middle of the desert. Nothing has changed.  Still sand everywhere with some of the glassy spots still laying around.  I guess I could try to step on one of them but I'm not going to.  I'm quite comfortable standing here.  Those spots might give way and I'll fall.  I know they lead somewhere but I'm not in the mood to find out where.  One day. 

You can too

I am not strong
I am not weak
I just am
You can be too.


I don't know what it's like to live on the precipice of life.  To wonder each night if you will wake up the next morning.  I'm pretty sure that hope keeps you going and every day that you wake up is a good day no matter how you feel.  But that's just a guess.  That's what you always said.

I'm sorry the last few years were not as good as they could have been but I know the last few months were the best.  I have no regrets about our relationship.  We knew what love is and learned to accept each other as equals.  You pushed others to expand themselves.  Some could, some couldn't.  You took nothing for granted.  You faith is in the love of your family and friends.  You are the best part of me.



I am not sorry that I am hurting 
Not sorry that I am sad.


It' not easy to hurt like this
Not easy to feel bad.


I can't just shake it off 
like the rain upon your coat.
And I can't just walk away
from a life I've always known.


I feel your presence everywhere
your footsteps in the halls
your laughter in the echos
of the quiet on your walls.


When I reach to touch your face
I wipe away a tear
There's only empty space I see
And what's left is cold, hard fear


You've gone from womb to tomb my child
And the good die young they say
So many catchy phrases used
Spit out to save the day.


I'm not sorry that I don't smile anymore
Laughter hardens a broken heart
And I'm not sorry I held you 
as you left this life of ours


But I will survive,
You made sure,
I will survive.

Time...

This time
Last time
Next time
More  time
What does time stand for?

Your time
My time
Their time
Our time
When time is up, what's next?

You frown
I mile
She laughs
He cries
Our faces give us away.

Hearts feel
Minds think
Understand that
Eyes blink
Reality changes that fast.

Peace and love
You cannot steal
Neither can they be a gift
They are packaged in the deal.

You think because I don't hold god's hand that I can't find what you call peace? Is your peace making your fate, your destiny, someone else's responsibility?  I have no one to blame or praise for my choices but myself.  If god gave me anything he gave me a brain.

Religions say the only way to peace is through their god. And there are so many religions so there must be many gods.  Which one is right or are they all right, or equally wrong?

There is no explanation for life - it just is.  But there is love. Think with your heart.

Today

I wonder if I could live in a beach community.  It's not a question, it's a comment on life.  Something has to change.  Not sure what.

I woke up around 3:30 or 4 this morning.  Laid in bed for awhile.  Tossing, thinking, crying a little sometimes.  Finally got up at 5 (looked at my phone) and made coffee.  Laid on the floor beside Chuyi for awhile, snuggling my face in her fur, petting her nose, and just holding on to her.  She follows me almost everywhere. If not me then Kerry.  She's always under foot just like Danny says.

I'm sitting in my chair in Kerry's room, blankie covering my legs and lap, yarn and needle at hand, mixed media books and mags half read, TV show running, and my computer. All this varied input funneling into my life space, my brain, and still I can't focus on any one thing.   (OMG I'm sitting here critiquing the stupid TV show because they are firing guns everywhere and no one is getting hit but the cars.  Such bad shots.) And then there's the shopping.  Every chance I get I'm out buying something.


I went down to Emory on Monday for the heart support groups holiday party.  I took my hats and scarves and art work too.  I stopped by the coordinators office to see everyone.  It didn't feel as weird as I expected maybe because Danny never goes with me to their office.  Once or twice in the past he went with me.  I gave them all a hat and a box of truffles and some cards.  Forgot to leave cards for everyone.  I'll just mail them.  Gave some truffles to the ICU where Danny was.  Went to Wendy's office and gave her a present.  We talked, remembered, laughed, teared up a little.  Then on the party.  It was quiet mostly.  A few new people, a few missing people, and some of the same.  Ever changing venue of faces and names.  I've been there too long.  I'm already thinking "who won't be there next year".  What a horrible thought.  They took group pictures of "the hearts", the caregivers, and then both.  Yes, I felt really awkward.  But not being the pics would have made them feel weird.  I probably won't be going much anymore.

It's school time.  What would I do without the constant noise of kids running around making noise while getting ready for school.  I like the calm, quiet when they aren't here but I like the noise sometimes too.

Does TV and movies give us the drama we don't have in our real lives?  Not that we lack drama, it's jut not the kind that is interesting to anyone else.  That's why the writers have to liven it up a bit.  Too much lag time between events in real life.  People get transplants in less than 24 hours, criminals get their guilty verdicts in one day, no one goes to the bathroom, sleeps in, or doesn't talk for hours in the make believe world.

Saturday was a crappy day.  Didn't do anything but sit.  Kerry was in Cherokee and Julie was mostly off doing stuff.  Amber came over and we went to see Rachael's new headstone.  I dressed warm this time.  I can't go there without crying but it was dark and no one could see and I didn't have to talk much.  There was a candle for Danny too.

I wish I could say I hate my life. But that's not what I hate.  I hate being here without Mary and Danny.  I'm not alone but I am lonely even in a crowd.  Sad and lonely.  I make things, I create things, but I don't enjoy.  It's hollow.  One step at a time.  Don't give in, don't cry.

Numb

It's so hard to get out of bed or even breathe sometimes.  I'm rather tired of knitting and crocheting but I still like to look at my yarn.  I'm tired of watching tv, tired of drinking coffee,tired of thinking of things to do to keep from thinking.

I am in the pits today.  Even thinking about shopping isn't making any difference.  I really just don't care what happens.  Life is going on everywhere and I resent every second of it.

Today life sucks.

Well...

No more poems.

Too much beer...too many tears.

It's such a bummer that I can't drink without crying. Same thing happened with Mary but I could call Danny and talk.  Now I just sit and wipe away the tears.  So, I don't drink much.

And I don't write much.

Words

Last night I got into bed and muted the tv and started to write....

The Path

I've been down this path before
Through the gate I closed the door
Followed footstep others made
And found they didn't fit...

So I tried to make my own
Found I had to walk alone
Step by step I made my way
Keeping others lives at bay

Couldn't take the chance that I
Might step on someone else's life
Destroy the rhythm they had found
To survive this journey bound

Now we are back inside this gate
Hoping that it's not too late
To find another knob to turn
To show myself what I have learned.


Pain

I don't know where
I don't know when
I don't know why
I just can't give in


I will ignore
I will escapte
I will reject
This place of fate


But I will survive
I will arrive
at some far away
place to hide

Shielding my face
Pushing away grace
So I can just breathe


This time I will not cry
As long as no one speaks your name
my tears are tucked inside my brain
I learned from you how to hide my pain.