Monday, February 14, 2011

What makes a steel magnolia?

It's 4am. I have been laying awake in my bed for awhile.  Might as well get up. 

I have been preparing myself for a 5 day trial since April 09.  Talking myself into getting through pictures I haven't seen and descriptions I've only dreamed about.  Now there will probably be no trial and I am stuck.   What happens next?

How do I stand up there and read my statement without looking like a blubbering fool.  Not that I care what I look like but I want to be heard - CLEARLY, LOUDLY, AND PURPOSEFULLY.  I want the world to know what pain is and what if has lost. I want him to shrivel under the intensity of our suffering.  I want every word we say to be like a bullet shot into his face.  He has no heart or brain.

I never imagined I had this much hate inside me - but I never imagined something like this could happen.  Will tomorrow be easier to live through knowing he is behind bars?  Probably not because Mary is still not here.

Words are like dandelion seeds, once blow on them or say the words you can never take them back.  they are blown into the hearts and souls of those who hear them - for better or worse.  So be careful of what you say.

I have read over and over what's in my statement and I think I'm ready to take the consequences  of the outcome.  I don't care why he was driving drunk.  There is NO GOOD ACCEPTABLE excuse or reason for driving drunk.  NONE.

If what I say offends - too bad.  If what I say makes me look cold-hearted, cruel, or uncaring, so be it. 

Today I will concentrate on being a "steel magnolia".

I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this. I can do this.  
I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this. I can do this.

I can stare him into oblivion.  
I can stand strong and tall.
I can face his family.
I will not break.
I will bend like Mary's willow.
I will not care when he cries for he cries only for himself.
I will not feel sorry for him.
I will hang onto my family for my strength for I have none of my own.

I am so glad we are in Carol and Donnie's home and not in some cold, lonely hotel room in a strange city.  Family is EVERYTHING.

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