It has been nearly two years without Mary. I have tried to write this many times since then- some way to put into words what this has done to my life. Each time I have deleted my worthless attempt. How can he know what he took away in an instant that took her lifetime to build? How can he understand with pictures and words, hollow ghosts of how beautiful she was?
My life completely changed when Mary was killed. Before that, I had believed in plans, in an order to things. At the time I was writing speeches in the U.S. Senate and planning for my brother's wedding. The moment she was killed, the senseless ugliness of it all destroyed that. Then month after month of denial and it not mattering. Him free behind his murder weapon without remorse. And so I left it all. I left the job, the city, my idea of a future. My brother abandoned their home and we lived in his truck, under stars that still sparkle and days that still pass despite the quicksand of hell that threatened to destroy my brother as well. The slow death of days that no longer matter.
The only thing left to believe is chaos. Chaos that is sometimes the sound of wind chimes and sunrises and sometimes crushing bones and broken bodies. That is what he has done. There is nothing to believe in, there is no point to planning, because someone like him can take it all away.
I am forever haunted by her tragic goodbye to the world. How scared she must have felt when his headlights came slamming into her fragile body. Did she scream for Tony in her final breath of agony? These are the thoughts I have left for the woman I spent a lifetime loving. And the rest of my beautiful moments will be tainted with sadness because she chose to be here and is not. My wedding, our thanksgivings, getting old.
All of the things that we had chosen to share.