What is this feeling?

"Fate will put in front of us the very thing that we are running away from."  I heard that in a TV show tonight.

I have been thinking about those 5 minutes I stood in front of that man and poured out my heart. I am still amazed that I didn't burst into a blubbering idiot.  I have never read that statement where I actually finished it without crying.  I was scared that my voice would crack or I would talk in a high squeaky voice.  But these things did not happen.  I stood tall and firm.  I meant every word I said and I wanted to be very clear to him exactly how I felt.  I was someone I have never been before.

I found strength I didn't know existed.  I am NOT who I was before.  I was telling the world what every parent feels when they've lost a child needlessly by the hands of irresponsibility.  And I wanted the world to hear my words clearly.  But, more importantly, I wanted him to understand how life has changed for me and my family.  After all, he's a parent.  How would he feel if his child had been the victim?  

I believe Kerry and Julie found the same strength. And Danny held us together.  

I can be anything, do anything, go through anything now, except this again.

Now What?

I have not done much all week long.  Just don't have the heart to get busy.  This time my mind is clear enough to realize that my body is not working properly.  We went to lunch after court and I couldn't eat much and thought I was going to throw up (which I NEVER do).  But instead my insides just got all out of whack and still are and it's been 5 days.   Will it take just as long this time to get back on track? I didn't get on FB until yesterday.  I haven't written here until this morning.  The posts for this week I just did.  

I did not want to talk about anything.  Just wanted to sit and chill and try to clear my soul.  It's not easy.  Hopefully I will be better when I have to go back to work.  I don't know.  I can still see him sitting in the chair in the court room, not phased by any of the words we spoke so it seemed.  I hope they burned holes in his soul but he hid the scars well.  

Can you imagine how you would feel if you killed someone?  He did not act like he was remorseful at all.  While reading my statement I kept staring at him.  I don't think he looked at me but once.  My mouth got dry and the last few words almost stuck together.  I kept saying I WANT HER BACK.

Gotta go, can't do this anymore.

Chaos... beautiful chaos

This is from Tony's sister.  Her statement.  We did not get to read it. 

It has been nearly two years without Mary. I have tried to write this many times since then- some way to put into words what this has done to my life. Each time I have deleted my worthless attempt. How can he know what he took away in an instant that took her lifetime to build? How can he understand with pictures and words, hollow ghosts of how beautiful she was?

My life completely changed when Mary was killed. Before that, I had believed in plans, in an order to things. At the time I was writing speeches in the U.S. Senate and planning for my brother's wedding. The moment she was killed, the senseless ugliness of it all destroyed that. Then month after month of denial and it not mattering. Him free behind his murder weapon without remorse. And so I left it all. I left the job, the city, my idea of a future.  My brother abandoned their home and we lived in his truck, under stars that still sparkle and days that still pass despite the quicksand of hell that threatened to destroy my brother as well. The slow death of days that no longer matter.

The only thing left to believe is chaos. Chaos that is sometimes the sound of wind chimes and sunrises and sometimes crushing bones and broken bodies. That is what he has done. There is nothing to believe in, there is no point to planning, because someone like him can take it all away.

I am forever haunted by her tragic goodbye to the world. How scared she must have felt when his headlights came slamming into her fragile body. Did she scream for Tony in her final breath of agony? These are the thoughts I have left for the woman I spent a lifetime loving. And the rest of my beautiful moments will be tainted with sadness because she chose to be here and is not. My wedding, our thanksgivings, getting old.

All of the things that we had chosen to share.

OMG

Two years for a life.  How cheap is that?

 

What makes a steel magnolia?

It's 4am. I have been laying awake in my bed for awhile.  Might as well get up. 

I have been preparing myself for a 5 day trial since April 09.  Talking myself into getting through pictures I haven't seen and descriptions I've only dreamed about.  Now there will probably be no trial and I am stuck.   What happens next?

How do I stand up there and read my statement without looking like a blubbering fool.  Not that I care what I look like but I want to be heard - CLEARLY, LOUDLY, AND PURPOSEFULLY.  I want the world to know what pain is and what if has lost. I want him to shrivel under the intensity of our suffering.  I want every word we say to be like a bullet shot into his face.  He has no heart or brain.

I never imagined I had this much hate inside me - but I never imagined something like this could happen.  Will tomorrow be easier to live through knowing he is behind bars?  Probably not because Mary is still not here.

Words are like dandelion seeds, once blow on them or say the words you can never take them back.  they are blown into the hearts and souls of those who hear them - for better or worse.  So be careful of what you say.

I have read over and over what's in my statement and I think I'm ready to take the consequences  of the outcome.  I don't care why he was driving drunk.  There is NO GOOD ACCEPTABLE excuse or reason for driving drunk.  NONE.

If what I say offends - too bad.  If what I say makes me look cold-hearted, cruel, or uncaring, so be it. 

Today I will concentrate on being a "steel magnolia".

I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this. I can do this.  
I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this. I can do this.

I can stare him into oblivion.  
I can stand strong and tall.
I can face his family.
I will not break.
I will bend like Mary's willow.
I will not care when he cries for he cries only for himself.
I will not feel sorry for him.
I will hang onto my family for my strength for I have none of my own.

I am so glad we are in Carol and Donnie's home and not in some cold, lonely hotel room in a strange city.  Family is EVERYTHING.

What to say?

I have been reading my victim impact statement over and over (it's in Aug 09 writing).  Hoping I could eventually read it without completely breaking down.  I want to be very, very clear about what he has done to me and my family.  I want him to listen very closely to everything we say.  It will only hurt him for a few minutes.  While it continues to hurt us every day the rest of our lives.

These last days have been almost unbearable waiting for Monday to come.  I keep going over what will happen, what I think I will feel, will say, won't do.  There are many people coming to support us.  People we don't even know but were touched by the stories written about Mary.  People who were at the scene and took care of her small lifeless body because her mother couldn't be there and her father couldn't protect her as he'd always promised.

We've learned the hard way, twice.  You can't protect anybody from anything.  That's what free will is.  

I'm also brought back to realization that no matter how much two people are in tune with each other, how matched their souls are, there is no existential connection.  Or I would have known something happened.  I would have known a life force was sucked from this plane of existence to another.  It's all lies to make people feel better.  Like the one about god watching over you so nothing bad will happen to you.  That's the worst lie of all.  After all, he is supposedly the one who gave us free will.

So, let's see what happens on Monday.  Let's see what his free will says that day.

One week and counting

I've been re-reading my victim impact statement that I may get to read at his sentencing. I will assume we will get that far.  I'm trying to read it without totally falling apart.  I was going to write another one since this was written 18 months ago but I still feel the same way so why not.  But I do not want someone else reading it.  I was to say it and stare directly into his eyes, his family's eyes, and the judges.  I want them to know EXACTLY how I feel and will always feel.

I am counting down every minute all day long until it starts.  I even checked the court calendar again, one more time, to make sure he is on it.  And, yes, he is, under the trail section.  I wish I knew I would feel better after all this is over.  But after this comes the civil case.  

When can I get my life back? Probably never, not the way it was, I know.  But more than half-assed would be nice.