March 31st 2010 - one year later.

Danny left last night to go to Helen to camp with his friends.  I went to work today but I'm taking the next two days off.  Kerry went to work.  We both get Friday off.  Julie has the kids and is trying to get rid of her cold. 

Last night friends wrote on Mary's facebook wall. This morning a friend sent me a text message. A few more sent me emails. If others remembered they didn't say anything.  Did they forget or just didn't know what to say?  Do I want lots and lots of people telling me they're thinking of us?  I want the whole world to stop and Mary to come back.  I want justice my way.  I want time to go backwards.

Does it hurt that not many people remember what this week is or this day?  A little but it didn't affect them like it did me and mine.  Other people's tragedies in the past didn't have long lasting effects on me either.  They may now.  Why is it that you don't learn something until it happens to you  -  "it takes one to know one"?  

I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't know what to say.  I'm tired of always trying NOT to cry.  Any second of any day I could fill a tub with tears.

Tony, you are in so much pain and there is nothing I can do for you because I can't do anything for myself. So we sit here tonight sending text messages to each other - remembering what we've lost. He's alone with the doggies and I'm with Julie.  Kerry is sleeping.  

I hate being called "strong".  If I was weak would Mary still be here?  But I have to be "strong" or some such word for Tony.  Mary would want me to take care of him. 

It's 1:32 am.  This is the time (I think) the door bell rang.  I can't be sure. Although my memories are unclear some things are etched like cuts in a diamond into my brain.  Some are seared like a branding iron into my heart. Other unimportant pieces of life have faded away.

I must choose to ignore the pain or tuck it away until I can handle it later. Sometimes I act and look like life is great and all is well.  Sometimes I even fool myself for a few minutes.

save me

It's been exactly one year since I last said bye to Mary.  We were planning on me going up to see her next weekend to continue planning for her wedding.  I feel physically sick to my stomach looking forward now knowing what happened and not being able to stop it.... now or back then.  Will each year be this hard?  Will each year feel like I'm cutting my heart out as I take each step going on each day.  I hate taking a breath knowing she's not.  I hate looking at flowers, stars, trees, smiles, everything knowing she can't.   I hate that man so much I can feel it in every pore of my body. 

I have been miserable this year faking my way through life, watching her trial being pushed of day by day, knowing that man is walking around enjoying life.  Even if he isn't "happy" he is ALIVE.  He is breathing.  And I know even if he wasn't, it wouldn't make any difference to having Mary back but I would hope it would make a little difference.  Maybe not but I'll never know.

I have sat in this chair for about 12 hours now doing nothing worthwhile.  Just watching the minutes tick by until it was time for Mary and Danny to leave.  NOTHING.  Tomorrow night is going to be hell.  I won't sleep, I'll just know.

American Idol

I have watched American Idol for about 5 years now.  But this year most all contestants on the show seems to be in the same boat as me.  They don't know who they are or rather what kind of artist they want to be.  I admit that I am not an artist, at least not yet.  I am a wanna be.  And I have a great many ideas floating around in the head of mine but since I am such a great procrastinator it is going to take awhile for me to figure out.  Being jack of all trades and a master of none doesn't help in this area.  

Few days later......
My sore throat got real, real bad the day before my surgery but I went in hopes they wouldn't cancel me.  They didn't so now more things hurt but eventually all should be fixed.  Wish that's the way life went.

My feelings, spirit, imaginings, whatever have been pretty all over the place these days.  On 3/22 I wanted to call Tony but my sore throat would have prohibited any kind of communication except maybe crying.  And I couldn't be sure if it would have been from my throat or my Mary. 

I don't like that the days and dates are mixed up.  Probably will bug me forever.  Mary came home late Thursday night to surprise Julie for her birthday the Tuesday before.  On Friday we went out to have a drink and chips and celebrate.  On Saturday Mary cooked on the grill, Carol, Donnie, and Jon came down for Julie's party.  Bill and Michele came over with a bottle of champagne for Julie.  Then around 8 Mike came by for a few minutes and after awhile told Julie it was time to come home because the kids needed to go to bed and she had chores to do.  No comment

So, tonight, Friday, is last years Thursday.  I went to see my counselor today.  Had to change days because of the surgery.  After discussing the fact that it's easier to pretend than to be resigned to the truth.  Pretending feels better, you can shelve your feelings till later.  Later may never have to come.  Then when things come into your mind that you don't want to remember you shake your head to get them out. 


I am told I can't keep pretending.  So, give me a couple of years and let's see what happens.

Justified

Tonight has been hard.  Every where I turn memories drown me. Just in passing conversations she keeps popping up. Chris made a video of "old times" (he's only 26-27) and Mary is in it smiling her beautiful smile.  I went to Emory for pre-admissions testing and didn't have Mary to call.  Watched a few minutes of a show about "transplants".  One was a 25 yr old man, just married, who got a bone marrow transplant.  He was lamenting the fact that it shouldn't be like this, not fair, he and his wife haven't had a chance to have a life together.  I left after that sentence.  Danny said he didn't know if he could go through what that guy was - sitting in a hospital room for up to 30 days waiting to see if the transplant took.  Either it worked or he only has 30 days left to live.  He said "at least I'm not thinking about only having 30 days left".  I said, "you never know what you can do until it happens".  I hate those words.  Got an email from our lawyers saying the other insurance company wants to pay us for Mary's car.  All I have to do is sign some papers.

I keep checking out art books (painting, collage, journals,etc) from the library trying to figure out what I want to do with my time.  I keep collecting "things" to make "mixed media" art work. I have no freakin' idea what I'm doing.  I have visions or images in my mind of what I want to create just can't do it. Need to start crocheting again I guess.

I wish there really was a crew of people like in Leverage.   I'd hire them in a second to make things right.  If only they could rewind time.

Found a new TV show.  "Justified" - as any action should be. 

In January my pacemaker was pacing the upper chambers at 40%.  Now it's pacing at 70%.  What does that mean?  Just one more thing to be patient about. . 

Unimaginable impossibilities

Just read a news story about a 21 year old marine that just got back from Iraq and was on his way home with his wife and dog.  He was hit head on by a 71 year old driving on the wrong side of I 20 at 6 Flags.  His wife is in critical condition.  His mother was "beside herself".  Been there, done that.  I find that very interesting and descriptive.  How do you get "beside yourself"?  Any thing that would cause you to become "beside yourself" could be termed an "unimaginable impossibility".  My mother used to talk about being so hot in south Georgia she wished she could walk around in her bones.   

Yes, I have been beside myself.  And it's not that easy to get back inside yourself.  Not sure if I've really gotten there yet.  You just sit and watch yourself continue on with life as it was or is supposed to be while you comtemplate how it really is wishing every second of every day it wasn't.  

Tony's coming for a visit.  He got a job in Homer Alaska.  Way too far away for me but way cool for him.  He's been trying to get a job there for several years.  He and Mary were going to live there for awhile after Danny got his heart.  Or they may have gone before and just come back.  We'll never know now.  There's so many things we'll never know about.  

I gotta quit writing or I'll get to feeling really bad and I can't go there anymore for awhile.   Thank goodness Mary is smiling in all her pictures.  If she looked sad I'd go mad.   
 

Stuff

So, I'm sitting here multi-tasking but only half way paying attention to any one thing.  The TV's playing Human Target, I'm playing an online game, typing this, and thinking about how many days left till M-day.  Three people have already asked me what I'm going to do on 3/31.  I don't know.  I keep telling myself I'm going to finish painting the living room and dining room.  I am taking days off on 3/31 and 4/1 and 4/2 is a holiday at work.  But the kids are here on Wednesday so I probably won't be putting paint on anything.  maybe getting the rooms ready.  I have no idea what I'll really be doing. Not a freakin' clue.

Is something supposed to happen on that day?  Are things supposed to get better?  be different?  Will I sleep the day away or stay awake for 36 hours like last year.  What or what will I do?  What or what will happen?  

Danny had a check up today.  He's fine.  His weight is down to 144 and he feels better than he has in ages.  


I'm still trying to paint.  But now it's turned into multi media painting which means I get to add "stuff" to the pictures sorta like a collage, sort like my life.  I still can't figure out what I'm doing.

I learned how to crochet the hats that Mary makes.  I started one night and made one per night for 5 days. Rather obsessive I'd say. 

Tony got a job in Alaska.  Yea!  Poor me.  He won't be calling as often but he'll be doing something constructive. One day I will too maybe.

Still playing my mindless computer games, watching escape TV, crying.

Peace Out.......

I haven’t written anything lately.  I’m not sure if I can any more.  Each word, each thought, each memory brings back that night and those unspeakable words.  The feeling that comes with the instantaneous knowledge of death is almost indefinable.  Each time that moment starts to raise it’s head panic overtakes me.  My heart speeds up, I gasp for air, my throat closes down fortunately so no screams emerge.  At this point I shut down and look for something else around to take my attention.  Even writing this hurts unbelievably.  So I choose to not talk about it hoping it will help me not think about it.  The thoughts emerge whenever I start to write or think about writing or I see something that reminds of that day or do something with Mary’s estate. 

I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t continue to fight off these images and feelings.  So I will ignore them as best I can.  I will do something else,  I will pretend it didn’t happen if I can. Anything to stop the pain and tears. 

I can still talk about Mary to the kids like she’s at her house.  But that’s all. 

Peace out…………