The doorbell rang three months ago at this moment. I can still see those men on the porch. I can relive that night at any time. I can't stop it.
There are times when I don’t think I can take another breath without Mary. I don’t want the dawn to break, the sun to set, anybody to do anything. But there is another room in my mind becoming visible where I can see myself treading water amidst an ocean of memories . I may be able to stay afloat but I don’t have to go anywhere. Which is fine with me. Now if I can just get there. So much is happening so fast I don’t have time to point my sail in any direction. I think of so many things to say but never get close enough to paper to write them down and then in a snap, they’re gone. When will my mind quit reeling out of control?
Kerry moved the picture boards of Mary from our living room to the pool room downstairs. There are still pictures of her around just not the everyday life ones. Her stuff is still around the house, in the kitchen, my bedroom. I’ve been moving the boxes we got last month from the garage to the downstairs so I can go through them. It’s quiet down there and if I cry or moan no one hears me. I put a lot of her things in Mary’s giant wooden toy box. We had one make for each of the kids back when they were in grammar school. Julie took hers with her when she moved out, Danny’s is in his closet by his bed (not sure what’s in it) and Mary’s stayed down stairs. Many of her treasures were still here waiting for her to find just the right spot at her house for them. Now they’re all coming back.
Each one I see and touch creates a memory for me. They used to create dreams.
Tony is trying to leave on his cross country trip today. He’s been trying to leave for a few weeks but doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Now there’s nothing stopping him but him. Hopefully he can figure out how to tread the water of life and stay afloat. I’m here to help if I can. Some people say to us, “What would Mary want you to do?”, or “What would Mary say?”. I think she’d understand exactly what we are doing and why we are doing it. I think she’s still pretty pissed off at everything that’s happened. But only Tony would really know. And that’s why I leave him alone with his decisions.
Me? I’ll just keep trying to stay afloat until I can see Mary on the horizon showing me the way to go. Don’t know how long that will take but I do have patience for some things. I am not the person I was and I don’t want to be the person that I am but there’s not much I can do about it. Maybe later, in the far, far distance.
Far and wide, high and low
I search the earth for peace
Here and there, up and down
Shalom is just beyond my reach
Me: What the hell happening to me, I can hardly breathe?
?? you are on a new journey in your life
??: don’t be sarcastic, it’s a journey that will take you places
Me: yeah. Places I don’t want to go, places I don’t want to see
??: but you need to see them, you need to find them
Me: I don’t know how to make it any clearer – I DON’T WANT TO GO.
??: you have no choice
Me: why not? I can choose to do what I want to do
??: not this, you have to walk this path,
Me: can I take someone with me?
Me: can I take Mary with me?
Me: Why not?
??: She has gone on another journey but if you listen you can hear her.
Me: Hear her? I don’t just want to hear her, I want to hold her.
?? You can’t
Me: Why not?
??: I told you, you are on a different journey
Me: Then who can I take with me
Me: Geez, you’re a big help. So where am I going
?? I don’t know exactly. You’ll have to figure it out yourself
Me: why am I even talking to you if you can’t help me?
??: because you need to talk to someone
Me: you’re not a lot of help – it’s like talking to myself