Time

Four months right now, and counting.

This is from 3 years ago at Chilkat Lake in Alaska where Tony proposed to Mary. She was taking one of her famous "arms length" snap shots.



TIME

Time heals? Time dulls? Time stops? Never
Rewind time into the blessed past

Time doesn’t wait. It keeps pushing and shoving
Swallowing you up as it goes along its way

Time doesn’t lie. It spits out the truth
And waits for no man to understand

And if time has the answers I sure wish it would slow down
So I can catch up and turn back its hands

Time doesn’t sing. It doesn’t make a noise.
Songs of forever are not on the menu for me

Time only keeps moving and moving
Giving me no place to go and no place to sleep

Why can’t it wait till I catch my breath
Wait till I find my love
I know she’s right here on the other side of its face

Echo's

Many years ago I was visiting a very close friend when she was informed by phone that she lost her sister. She was killed by her husband. Their religion did not accept divorce and so her sister was told to try to “work things out” with her husband, that was the woman’s place. My friend immediately disavowed her religion and turned to one that believed in reincarnation. I did not understand back then. I do now. Unfortunately, we lost touch with each other shortly after that. I have never forgotten the look on her face or the eerie wail her soul burst forth when she listened to the message. I often wonder if she ever found her sister again. I have looked for her name off an on over the years. She had a daughter two years before I had Julie.

I think I’m stuck in a rut right now. I started listening to music on my way to and from work. Mary and I liked much of the same country sounds so many of the songs remind me of her to the point of tears but I listen anyway. I like the volume up loud to drown out other sounds – mostly my singing – and it helps me not think about the crash. I just can’t get that picture out of my mind. When I’m not listening to music and it’s quiet in the truck thoughts hound me – Mary is gone….Mary is dead….You’ll never see Mary again….etc. It’s almost like someone is stalking me and reminding me, lest I forget (ha) that my life is forever different and can never be relied on again. I can get pretty pissed off arguing with myself but then, almost like a tidal wave, the feeling of loss, that horrible, explosive feeling I felt at 2:30am on March 31st when the police said “there’s been an accident”….crashes down and I’m gasping for breath, shaking my head and saying to myself, No..No..No.. If people in other cars actually took the time to look at me in this state they might call 911 and report someone having a seizure. THAT’S why I wear sunglasses all the time.

It is true that when I am so busy doing everyday things and “taking care of business” you don’t have time to be sad. But the second the business stops, it all pours in, concentrated like clothes detergent, and it’s almost to much. I don’t want to force myself to create busy-ness just so I won’t feel the pain. I know some people do get through life this way. I don’t want to. I want to be able to relax one day.

I can even be comical at times now, and get very animated about current situations in my life. But after the initial conversation, when you pause for thought, my shoulders sag, my face frowns, and I go right back to “that place”. I know my friends can see it when we are together. And I feel bad for them having to look at me this way.

We are definitely going back to NC this weekend. Just couldn’t get going last weekend. What’s left at the house now is like leftovers on the turkey carcass. Not really part of Mary, just pieces of the togetherness they once shared. Maybe it would have been easier for me if Tony had stayed in the house and all her things were still there. He couldn’t and if I were him I probably couldn’t have either. But, Kerry’s dad kept all his mother’s clothes in the closet till long after he remarried and divorced and moved back in to the house. To each his own.



ECHO’s

I saw the flowers in your yard today, their scent just like perfume
Herbs and peppers in your garden by the road are growing strong
The cherries and the apples have loaded down the trees
But your house is cold and dark and lonely now that you’re gone

My friends are here to comfort me, I see their out stretched arms
The sun shines bright and the rain refreshes this soul of mine in need
Cookies baking smell of memories made, children’s laughter fills the air
Love is all around me but still I feel an abyss so deep it’s frightening

I listen to your favorite songs on the radio with tears in my eyes
Loud music will sometimes vanquish the ache that hurts beyond words
I go out with friends and talk a lot, mostly about you and life before
But I don’t surrender to the reality that you are now an echo deferred.

Someone has cheated the world of your goodness and smiling face
It was not “life”, not “god”, not “fate” but none, for you, have intervened
Someone made a terrible choice, too horrific to completely grasp
And so the world is a sadder place and the lives destroyed, scream.

Undefinable Peace

Facebook is a very strange and alluring animal. You get a little peek into everyone’s life of those who’ll let you in but not enough to truly understand what’s going on. Sort of like the beginning of a movie, except this one never ends. It connects me with my friends but it constantly reminds me that life is indeed moving on, with or without me. Sometimes I just let it go on by, don’t read anything for days. Then when I do, tons of my friends have sent me hearts, candy, food, hugs, all that FB stuff, reminding me that they know I’m lagging behind and are waiting for me to catch up. Guess I’m just walking a little too slow for the world. But they are walking slow for me.

Today Cindy asked me “do you think Mary really died before she was burned?” Kinda took me off guard. So we started talking about the crash site. I do not, and will not, call it an accident. It was an intentional, willful act of irresponsibility, stupidity, and total lack of caring. It is, as the law states, “vehicular homicide”…..that’s a nice way of saying murder.

Anyway, she wanted to know if Mary could have survived the crash without anyone knowing it and was alive but then was cremated. So, I explained the chronological order of events. We did not tell the kids about Mary until the Friday before her party. They were in school and we wanted them to continue as normal as possible even though their mommy was at Grammy’s house and not at home. I stared crying a little while I was telling her and when I turned to face her she asked “Why is your nose red?” (a family trait). She hugged me and said, “Don’t cry Grammy. I don’t want to make you cry. I won’t ask anymore questions”. I told her she can ask me anything she wants to ask but along with answers sometimes come tears because I miss Mary so much. But I love talking about Mary and I want her to remember Mary forever. She asked if I went to see Mary before she was burned and I told her no because I wanted to remember her as the beautiful, happy, loving person she was. Not what she looked like with her body all broken and hurt after the crash. I told her Mary’s ashes were in a can decorated with lots of dancing ladies dressed in long dresses all around the sides. It goes along with the “I hope you dance…..” song from her party. Cindy loves to sing and dance and is constantly humming something if she isn’t talking.

I showed Anna a picture of Julie and Mary with Anna strapped to her back climbing the trail near Mary’s house. Anna called out Mary’s name when I asked “who is that”, without any coaching or anything. She hasn’t seen her in 3 ½ months, the longest it has ever been in her life, and she hasn’t forgotten Mary’s face.

Tony and Nicole are still in Wyoming and scattering Mary far and wide across the mountain tops. I truly hope he can find some peace amongst the trees and clouds. I hope I can, too. I hope we all can.


UNDEFINABLE PEACE

Peace is a river running through my soul
Sometimes it's raging, sometimes it’s cold
And sometimes the rapids are too big to control

Peace is a mountain guarding the night
Not to be scaled to its endless height
And not to be skirted in the twilight

Peace is a rainbow whose end you can’t find
Always teasing and tricking my finite mind
Constantly changing its colors entwined

Peace is the moonlight serene and pale
Covering me gently like a shadowy veil
Only to have sorrows' darkness prevail

Peace is a rain drop, so small and so pure
One changes nothing while too many obscure
The sound is calming but doesn’t endure

Peace is a willow rustling in the wind
Bending and twisting ready to transcend
Never stopping or resting until the end

Peace is a butterfly that never alights
Always dancing and swaying just like a sprite
And this is the reason I just sit and write.

What say??

As I have perused the internet blogs other people have written I’m finding many by parents who have lost a child. Their children have all been babies or grammar school ages. I have not found any writing about adult children. They are all wondering what would their children have grown up to be, what would they be like as a teenager, as an adult, etc. And here I am able to answer most if not all these questions regarding Mary. Yes, she lived longer than their children but it still wasn’t long enough. It should have been 98 not 28. It doesn’t make it any less painful, less agonizing to loose an adult child. She is still my child, my baby, my sweet little girl. I was 28 when Mary was born. Ironic or piss ant poor?

How many sentences are started with the words “well, at least you had …..”. This is supposed to make me feel better? I haven’t gotten to the reality plane where I can see the positives of this situation. I try to celebrate her life but all I can do is cry for what I’ve lost. I can’t see the other door opening. I can’t see any good that is coming out of this bad. Maybe my point of view is tainted. Maybe if I could have said goodbye. But that would mean she would have had a terminal illness or some such awful thing, which is no more acceptable. Maybe if she would have been 72 and had lived a good long, inspiring, happy life. Of course that would mean I’d be 100 and I’d probably have long gone. But that’s ok – I’m not supposed to out live my children.

It has also been suggested that even if I could change the outcome, if Mary had not died at this moment in her life, she could possibly have had a more painful, lingering, or horrific death than what did happen. I’m not quite sure how to take this statement. What could be more horrific than to have a 7 ton pickup truck land on you and squish you to death by breaking every bone in your body and crushing the life out of you, while you know what’s happening? THAT’S the image I see all the time. I haven’t seen any pictures of the scene but I know, I just know. So, YES, I would change the outcome, in a split second. And why would I even consider the option that this kind of death is better than what could have happened in the future? She would have lived to a ripe old age. I guess people just don’t know what to say so they say something, anything to try to make you feel better. A hug would have sufficed.




I’m so freakin’ tired of my mind playing tricks
I see you in front of me when you don’t exist
I hear your voice when you are no more
I end up on my knees, crying on the floor

The light of day turns dark so fast
I feel your touch but it does not last
I smell your scent when you are out of sight
When will this dark turn into light?

My senses are broken and all confused
I need to borrow a heart that’s unused
One that is hard and not easily broken
One that can absorb the words unspoken

Unused hearts are a dime a dozen
And for that there’s a very good reason
I’ll use one up every single day
Just to keep the freakin’ pain away

Some vague ramblings

“Resources for the Newly Bereaved” - this is a reference book on the Compassionate Friends sight. IS there an "Oldly Bereaved"?
Remember the movie “Beetle Juice”? There’s a book in the movie called “Guidelines for the Newly Deceased”. Wonder if there really is a book like that.

*********

I don’t seem to be able to get beyond the current hurdle/road block on this journey. I can’t see beyond the fact that Mary will always be 28. I’ll grow older, watch the kids graduate, move to a new city, break a leg, cook dinner for 40 people, whatever….. I will continue to get older and she won’t. Is this a good/bad thing? Memories will always have the same smiling face even when she would be 60 with gray hair.

**********

I just keep doing things that have nothing to do with her life just to get through the days. How many years can I keep doing that? If I stop for even a second the memories overpower me and I fall apart. If I’m doing something directly related to her like looking at pictures or going through her things, I can last for a few minutes before the insanity of reality hits. Then I have to stop.

*****************

It’s storming out tonight. The mighty and threatening thunder is voicing my feelings for me. The rain is the tears I have yet to shed.

**************

I was shopping at Walmart last weekend (Mary did not like to shop at Walmart much but she went with me when I’d go.) and ran into a neighbor I hadn’t seen in quite a few years. She lives down the road a few houses from me. What does that say about my neighborly condition? I think there are quite a few people living in our neighborhood that have been here around 30 years like we have. I only know 2 or 3 of them. And it’s NOT a big neighborhood. That should embarrass me, but somehow I don’t think it does. Life is complicated.

***************

As I watch TV or read a book or article I am drawn to ordinary every day words that jump out at me. These words are common and normally you read right by them. But now they cause instant prickles down my spine. They feel out of place on my tongue.

order, comprehend, prepared, change, stop, time, continue, safe, protect, future, plan, happy, trust, justice, peace, reason, positive and the list goes on and on and on

**********


I cannot feel
I do not speak
Truth is unreal
So I do not think

Trust in who?

Last week was very uncomfortable for me, mentally and physically. I tried to write but happenings just kept bogging me down. I felt way, way out of control, not that I’ve had any control over anything in quite some time. My shoulders ache and feel like they are in a vice. Sometimes I can’t catch my breath when I think about my life. I still cry at inopportune moments. Walking up to the office one morning I saw a friend and burst into tears on her shoulder. Maybe we kid ourselves into thinking we have control over what we do. We make plans for the day, the weekend, next month, next year…. Right now the only thing I can think of that I currently have control of is what I put in my mouth. I do eat a LOT of dark chocolate and what my grand kids call “grammy’s coffee”. There’s no guarantee and no one to keep us safe but trust in our fellow man. Doesn’t make you feel very comfortable, does it? Think about it when you are driving down the road at 65+ miles an hour inches from the car beside you. I try to stay as far away from other people as I can.

I had to find some answers last week to calm myself. So I started with the DA in NC. No news on the blood test. The hearing on Aug 17 will probably be all of 10 minutes because she (the DA) is 100% sure he will plead not guilty. She told us that in May and my mouth fell open. How do you plead not guilty when you killed someone? His lawyer will attack the evidence, not defend the act. But they are ready for him. The grand jury will convene in Sept or Feb (depending on the arrival of the blood test) and the trial will be Sept 2010. I can’t decide if I want to go. I don’t know if I want to see him yet. I’m afraid I’ll have dreams about him instead of Mary.

Then I moved on to Danny’s doctors. I had so many questions about antibodies, their causes, his levels, and what can be done that we have an appt with his surgeon at his next checkup. Haven’t talked to him in 4 ½ years except at transplant functions.

Next call was to my cardiologist to find the results of the echo’s they did on me. I’m fine. Same old murmur I’ve had for years. They just give them very fancy names now. I have a small “mitral valve regurgitation”. Pacemaker change in two years. I did find out that now my upper chamber is pacing also, about 40% of the time. That was news to me.

And on to Julie and the kids. Cindy is almost as tall as I am. She will be by the end of 5th grade I’m betting.

Lastly, I didn’t get to hold on to Mary as much as I wanted to because of all the other stuff going on. Some might say that’s a good thing but I think it horrible. I am still unboxing and repacking her things from our last trip up there. I keep going through her things looking for something but I’m not sure what. Just touching them makes me smile and cry at the same time. I’m finding more of her artist friends are going to donate their work to GTF in Oct. I wish I could get more excited. Maybe the closer Oct comes.

MAC - Sad But True

Mary's email address is MACSBT45. It stands for her initials, Metallica's song "Sad But True", and the number of letters in her first and last name. I just looked up the lyrics to that song for the first time and it's like she is talking directly to me. I've always been a little afraid to read them because of the name. I never did asked her why she liked that song.

So much is going on right now I don't know how much time I will have to write. My poem well has run a little dry - can't concentrate.

Life is sad, but true.


Sad But True

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who takes you there
Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who cares
They
They betray
I'm your only true friend now
They
They'll betray
I'm forever there

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

You
You're my mask
You're my cover, my shelter
You
You're my mask
You're the one who's blamed
Do
Do my work
Do my dirty work, scapegoat
Do
Do my deeds
For you're the one who's shamed

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your dream, mind astray
I'm your eyes while you're away
I'm your pain while you repay
You know it's sad but true

I'm your dream
I'm your eyes
I'm your pain
I'm your dream
I'm your eyes
I'm your pain
You know it's sad but true

Hate
I'm your hate
I'm your hate when you want love
Pay
Pay the price
Pay for nothing's fair

Hey
I'm your life
I'm the one who took you there
Hey
I'm your life
And I no longer care

I'm your dream, make you real
I'm your eyes when you must steal
I'm your pain when you can't feel
Sad but true

I'm your truth, telling lies
I'm your reasoned alibis
I'm inside, open your eyes
I'm you

Sad but true

By Metallica