Monday, January 24, 2011

What's next?

I'm giving up things.  Things I don't need, things I can't handle, things that clutter, and keeping the things that make me smile.  Things.... what does this word mean?  What is "thing" and why are there so many of them?  They are everywhere.  Big, small, tall, short, long, fat, skinny, and if you aren't careful they'll block your view like a white out or send you sailing like black ice.

I need to concentrate on my life right now and what's important to me.  Not what I think makes me important to others.  

Why do I care about being forgotten when I didn't used to care about being remembered?  Does this make sense? I went about my life, got caught up in the daily hassle of living, forgetting to keep in touch with friends who weren't living near me.  Everyone gets busy with life, go down different paths at different times in their lives. Then they may converge again years later, kind of like a wandering stream that reunites with the main river.  

Mary is gone now.  And although I didn't wonder about who in our lives remembered what we were doing everyday, now I wonder if they are going to forget her as time passes.  I guess because every now and then, every year or so, we would be in touch and catch up on everything.  But now.......there's nothing to catch up on.  Just the bittersweetness of memories, nothing new going on or changing.  Mary is Mary, never to change.  

I would really like to choke that man.  I wish he has lost some piece of himself so that every minute of every day he would be reminded of what he did.  Maybe a leg, a hand, a whole arm, maybe wheelchair relegated.   Maybe he could have lost his head.  But then he wouldn't be suffering anymore.  Will his suffering bring Mary back?  No.  Will him being dead bring Mary back?  No. Will my knowing that he is suffering bring Mary back? NO NO NO NO NO NO  Then why do I want him to suffer?  Will it make me feel better?  I don't know.... I really don't know.  It hasn't so far.  I wonder what I would feel like if she had been taken by cancer or no one was at fault.  Would it make it easier if there was no one to blame?  Would I be blaming god then since there wasn't anyone else?

I don't know what to think anymore.  So, I'm going to bed.  Maybe I'll wake up in the morning.

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