Happy Birthday

I wish there was a little neighborhood bar just down the street that had $1 drinks where I could go.  Somewhere close where I could walk to and from.  Kind of like Cheer's.  Some place to go and sit and people watch. Talk when I wanted to talk or sit quietly when I didn't want to talk but still have people and noise around.

The kids are gone, Kerry's asleep, Julie's out, and Danny is on his side of the house.  It's too quiet so I have the TV on.  I'm not really watching, barely listening, just having noise in the background.  Mary's birthday was not quiet, thank goodness.  I had a fire going all day long.  The kids were playing inside and out with the snow.  We all thanked Mary for sending the snow on her 30th birthday.  I made cookies, pecan pie, and black bean soup.  Lots of people posted on Mary's facebook page. She should have been here. But I wasn't alone and it wasn't quiet. I didn't have time to mull over my life without her. It's been almost two years and I still sit and pine away when it's quiet and there's nothing to keep my mind occupied.  Maybe that's why working is comforting and playing those "stupid" computer games. 

Tony called that morning to say he was in Argentina and would be away from a phone for about 10 days.  He also said he knew what day it was and knew it was going to be hard for me, for us.  I know it was hard for him too.  We should have been having a party.  Tanisha called too. 

The trial is coming up. 31 days left.  Will I feel better after it's over?  I think not.  Might I feel worse, possibly.  I'm not supposed to obsess about the trial.  So I have to stop talking about it.

I am going to have a fire tomorrow night.  I love fires... and rain falling on a tin roof... and a comfy blanket to snuggle in.  I used to like a good book to read while sitting beside the fire.  Guess I should start reading again. 

Mary Mary quite contrary 
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells
And pretty maids all in a row.

That's so my Mary.  On her fb page I found her favorite quote -In the spring at the end of the day, your hands should smell like dirt.  Margaret Atwood.

I sent a message to 75 people I thought might like to know that the trial was coming up. I was informing them of the date and asked if they wanted or could come to let me know.  13 people answered.  Some were coming, most couldn't but wanted to let me know.  Why do I feel disappointed?  My expectations were greater than I expected?  Does it hurt to remember Mary?  Or have they just moved on?  


Anyway...I'm going to bed.  I may not sleep but I can wrap up in in my comfy blanket and snugge next to my husband.  Maybe I'll fall asleep before I cry too much.


Happy 30th Birthday my sweetie... love you