Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year's Revolutions

Well, well, well.  Here we are again.  Starting another year without Mary in it.  Just her face in pictures, her smell on clothes (sometimes), and her love in my heart.  But I want it all.  I want her back.  

His trial is now 42 days away and already my stomach is aching.  What will I do? What will I sayHow will I feel when I walk in that court room.  I once watched a cop video of a man in handcuffs being taken away when a parent attacked him, almost killed him.  I'm sure I've seen a few others like that but for some reason this particular one has stuck with me.  I said that was exactly what I'd do if something happened to one of my children.  Will it?  If he isn't convicted I may just wipe out the jury for being so stupid but I can't see that happening.  But then I didn't think Mary would be gone either. So ANYTHING can happen.  God can't control it because "he" gave us free will, so how can he be in control?  

This "holiday" season has done nothing for me.  My tree is naked now sitting in my living room.  The kids are here and we all talk about Mary like she was in the next room.  Only Anna will spurt out "Mary's dead".  But she quickly adds, "she's in my heart".  I hope she'll continue to remember her face if not her voice.

Looking at Mary's picture seems to hurt more now and I don't know why.  It used to be the only thing that made me feel better.  We had white chili tonight that Cindy cooked (made Mary proud).  We discovered white chili at a little cafe in Franklin on one of my trips up there.  

I guess I'll just have to admit to myself that I'm afraid of going to the trial.  Afraid of the unknown.  Afraid of what I or my family will do or won't do.  Afraid of reliving every single minute of that night by listening to the DA.  But the jury has to hear it, has to see it in our eyes, through our tears, our sobs.  

Well, here's to the new year and whatever it will bring...... or take away.  Life sucks most times.

1 comment:

  1. Yeah...that's how I started the new year: "Well, here is another year starting without Rachael." It's horrible. People who haven't lost a child will never know the depths of our despair, even when we appear to be carrying on...

    And we are carrying on, but only outwardly. Only in what our other children need, only in what we have to do.

    We will never be the same.

    Love you Rose