Random thoughts

I went to Compassionate Friends meeting last Thursday.  I wasn’t sure what to expect.  There were about 14 people there.  2 others were also there for the first time.  One young mother had new born triplets and lost each of them one at a time.  How do you get through something like that?  Is it different when the child is very young, when you don’t know their personality?  When you haven’t seen the gifts they have to offer the world and know they’ve been erased forever?  I guess the only person who could answer that is someone who has lost both an adult child and a baby.  How awful.  People like to say that when you get to heaven you will be reunited and you will know each other.  How would you know your baby?  Are they still a baby in heaven?  Or did they grow up with a snap of god’s fingers?  Why do people tell you things they can’t possibly know?  Is it really to make you feel better or to make them feel better? 

I’ve been shopping for thanksgiving dinner.  Family is coming.  Mary will have a dish at dinner.  She made the most amazing coleslaw one year.  So, she will be making it again.  I just have to find all the ingredients.  We will toast to Mary with our Amaretto slushies and talk about how much we love each other.  We will spend hours just holding hands and kissing each others cheeks just one more time.  Just to make sure that the last time we see each other we will have said “I love you”.  Love doesn’t protect, it’s just the glue that keeps us together.

Now that someone has twisted my words into something they are not, it is very hard to write.  Like someone watching you paint a masterpiece....it turns into trash with every stroke.  Feels like they are laughing at every letter I type.  So I will write to myself for now.  Will the hurting of people ever stop?  Were evil people ever sweet little babies when they were born?  What changed them in their life to make them so awful?  So unlovable to themselves and others?  So mean and vengeful?  How can a mother prostitute her 5 year old daughter?  What plan is this?  It’s just free will, I guess, and evil people.