Sunday I met with the promotions manager at McCray’s Tavern where I’m having Mary’s birthday party. It’s a fund raiser for Mary and Danny’s funds. All last year Mary wanted to raise money for Danny’s transplant fund so we could reach the $10,000 level. But most of the time to raise the money was during the development season at her work. That meant she hardly had time to breathe much less eat.
So this is Mary’s chance to help Danny’s fund. The girl I talked to went to school with Danny and walked in the walk-a thon the school had for Danny. Small world. They have done events like this before and will help gather donations for the raffle. As I was riding to work Monday morning talking to someone (on a hands free headset) telling them all about my plans for the birthday party when I realized the emptiness of celebrating without Mary. She loves to have birthday parties for other people. The three of us went to Mc Cray’s the Friday before Julie’s birthday. Saturday she decorated the house for Julie’s 30th birthday party. Friends and relatives came to wish Julie happiness. Julie went home around 9pm. That was the last time she saw Mary. They did talk and text over the next few days. But the last hug and kiss was on Julie’s birthday.
People still tell me “Mary would want you to …..” or “Mary wouldn’t want you to ……”. But all I can think is that Mary is still pretty damn pissed at not being here to do all the fund things with us. And I’m not talking about all the things we are doing “in her honor or memory”. We wouldn’t need to be doing those things if she were here.
As I keep planning for parties and doing all the new things I’m trying out, I am pushing the reality of Mary being gone under the grief blanket I created. I didn’t even realize what I was doing but I know I’m ignoring the truth that hurts. Tears come only when I allow my self to think about where she is. I know I’m balancing fantasy with reality but it helps me get through the days. I don’t ever ask “when will the pain go away or lessen” because the pain keeps Mary alive and beside me. It keeps me from even considering the idea that I’ll “get over it in time”. I just haul that “blankie” (as Mary used to call her baby blanket) around with me all the time. Speaking of “the blankie” – Mary slept with her blankie until the edges were so ragged it started unraveling. She kept cutting it back and when she was in 4th or 5th grade she made it into a pillow case. She took it with her when she spent the night with friends. She always had her blankie with her and no one knew it! Sometime in high school I think it finally fell apart. Although, if I ever finish going through all her things downstairs I wouldn’t be surprised if I found the remnants.