Where is the spirit?

I just cannot get in the mood for good tidings.  I put up decorations and they look blah.  But first I took everything out of my kitchen so I could repaint it.  I painted over the crackled paneling that Mary and I had such a good time painting several years ago.  Each stroke reminded me of the mess we made, the bad spots we laughed over.  I found all the places we were going to redo "later".  The whole wall behind the stove was where we were learning how to "crackle".  It looked worse than I remember.  But I painted over all of it.  Gave it a new look, a new face for the world to see.  

Then when I started putting things back in the kitchen, I looked at all the things that were in Mary's kitchen.  Some I use and some I don't but it felt good to look at them.  I probably had 14 cook books and only used maybe 3.  So I've moved some of those to another book case.  I hope it doesn't turn in to "out of sight, out of mind" or I might have to move them back in.  

So, now my house is a mess.  Kitchen stuff everywhere (I haven't finished reconstructing it) and Christmas stuff everywhere.  I don't think I'll leave the tree up till March this year.  Just don't have the will and I can't stand the mess.  Christmas ain't what it used to be.  I tried, I really did try to be happy for Mary but the nights weren't accommodating. And I can't take the "happy every after" Christmas stories on the Hallmark channel.

And I supposed Christmas hasn't been the same since we started waiting for another heart.  Accidents happen on holidays. They called Danny on Jan 2nd two years ago and a week after July 4th this year.  I hate that.