For Mary...

We had a nice Thanksgiving at Jon's house.  3 years ago Mary and I asked Jon if he wanted to have Thanksgiving at his new house so everyone could see it. We didn't go last year.  So this year we went.  We put Mary's picture on the table.  Good food, family, and best of all, I didn't have to cook or clean up.  Neither did Carol!  Maybe we'll do it again next year.

Christmas is in front of me now.  Last year I could not even breathe the word.  We got a tree just before Christmas (last one at Walmart) so the kids would have one.  I've been thinking a lot about what to do this year.  Tony says this is Mary's favorite time of the year and she had to work so, so much she couldn't enjoy it.  She kept her tree up till March so she could enjoy it after tax time and I did the same thing last year.  But I forgot what "favorite time" means.  This Christmas - 
I will be happy for Mary.
I will decorate for Mary.
I will sing carol's for Mary.
I will play Christmas music for Mary.
I will have the kids trim the tree the whole month of December for Mary.
I will crochet hats for Mary. (Already did 3.)
I will smile for Mary.
I will laugh for Mary.
I will make gifts for Mary.
I will love like Mary.

I've been trying to push myself through these last few months.  Make myself walk this path. Step after step without looking back and I find it's not working as well as I thought it would.  My counselor told me what my heart has been screaming - it's ok to slow down and keep grieving. It's ok that I still cry at night sometimes.  It's ok that I'm still haunted by scene's of the crash.   Pushing them down deep is not going to make them go away.  It might make a volcano one day. It's ok that behind my smiling cheeks are sad eyes.  I need to take one step at a time.  I will find my way, one day at a time. 

I will admit my anxiety is rising now that a real date has been set for the trial.  I am constantly coming up with possible scenario's where he gets off.  And most are completely impossible.  But I have to cover all the bases.  What if....I'm sure the DA has thought of everything but still.....I am scared.

Why are all the Hallmark Christmas TV shows so contagious even though we know they are nothing like reality?  Is it because we wish they were reality? Everyone is so happy and cheery by the end of the show and everything always works out for the best.  Both disgusting and wonderful at the same time.  And it's always about two people falling in love.  They are very hard to watch most times.  A few I can wiggle through.

No, I haven't forgotten about Kerry, Julie, Danny, and the kids.  They are the ones who keep me sane.