Monday, July 26, 2010

Nothing's happening

Many things running through my mind lately.  Hard to put them into words.  

It's getting closer and closer to court dates.  First one is the day after my birthday - 8/23.  It will probably get postponed again just like all the rest.  I'm trying to find out if the court date for Mary is still on.  Have to call the DA but her phone usually rings busy.  

Each time my phone rings and I don't recognize the number I think Emory.  Haven't done that in a long time and my anxiety level goes up and down, up and down.  I did finally get a battery charger for Danny's video camera so I'll be more prepared. 

I tried to refresh Mary's hanging plant by taking it down and soaking it in water and plant food for a few days and ended up breaking many of the long branches off.  Each one I had to remove stabbed me sharply.  So, I'm trying to grow roots on them so I can put them back.  If I loose that plant it will hurt more than I can explain. 

I'm trying to paint some of the living room posts.  I rearranged the furniture so it looks really different.  Now where I sit I end up staring more at Mary's pictures.  Didn't aim for that result but that's where it ended up.  That's ok because I don't go downstairs to her things much anymore. 

Kerry cleaned off his dresser and now Mary's canister is in full view whenever I'm in the bedroom.  Should I still have physical manifestations of sadness after all this time?  Will I always feel like someone is sitting on my chest when I think of those days?  I do have happy moments of talking and thinking about Mary, just not all the time.  Someone was telling me they had to explain to someone else what happened to Mary.  In their explanation to me they said "... and I smiled weakly and said "Mary's dead".  But they said it with such nonchalance that I had to hold my breath to keep from saying something.  Why is it so much easier for others to go on living than it is for me?  I want to do things around the house and yard but they all seem so meaningless that I don't get them going much.

It also seems to me that others may be moving from the beach to the forest a lot faster than I am.  And many are already well into the trees.  Why can't I get off the beach?  Do I even want to get off the beach?  Is my mind playing tricks on my heart or vice versa?  I am so hard to understand through my own eyes.

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