christmas

What’s there to say about Christmas?  Just another day.  One of many in the long road ahead.  Last year Mary and I got so excited about Christmas because we promised each other that we would not spend any money.  We would make everything or spend very, very little.  I printed out pictures from years past and put them in frames for everyone.  Mary crocheted hats, gloves, scarves, and made other things.  I made her a clock from an old 1950’s gardening book.  We had such fun opening presents. 

Tony said Christmas was Mary’s favorite time of the year.  She would leave their Christmas tree up for several months because she worked so much she didn’t get to enjoy it long enough each day. 

I only got stockings down from the attic this year.  No decorations, no lights, nothing.  Well, wrapping paper, but that’s all.  The box with Mary’s decorations was sitting front and center of all my boxes.  I couldn’t get past it.  So this year we bought almost the last tree at Walmart (for half price) and the kids decorated it with paper cut outs, Christmas cards, and just stuff.  I plan to leave it up for a long, long time.

I hung stockings for everyone including Mary.  We put a little candy in each.  Mary’s favorite in hers.  None of the stockings are the same ones we’ve used for the last 10 years.  These are random ones I’ve collected to use as decorations.  Only Mary’s means something.  It is one from around 5^th grade that Ann made.  Julie, Mary, and I had matching stockings made from a gingham dress I had as a teenager.

The kids left at 2pm to go to their dad’s.  After that, the dull quiet sadness settled in and we sat and watched the wall in between TV shows.  I had cooked a turkey and roast dinner the day before so we ate leftovers.

Kerry has been out of work since 12/11.  His right knee and leg in general is causing pain and torture.  Once again, nothing I can do to ease the pain.  Not that I could have done something last year but I might have felt less fatalistic about the uncontrollables in life.  He would certainly have been less depressed about life in general. 

At least the kids had a good Christmas.

is there a god?

Is there a god?  If so, is he (she, it, they...) vengeful?  Because sometimes I get the feeling he’s getting even with me for past character deficiencies.  Not that I don’t have a few now, but there were more in years past when I thought I had everything I ever wanted.  Is there such a thing as Karma, Kismet, destiny?  If so, then life sucks.  It seems that we are in control of other people’s lives more than our own.  We can only control our outlook on life.  If you don’t like it, you’re a pessimist , if you accept it, you’re an optimist.  Notice I didn’t say if you “like” what’s happening in your life. 

If bad things do happen to good people, then why shouldn’t it happen to me and mine?  So far, all the “bad” things in my life have not been caused by our actions.  Well, all but one, but we won’t go into that here.  My kids didn’t do anything to cause the thorns in their sides.  And only Mary’s was caused by someone who could have made a better choice.  Why do some people go their whole life with everything going their way and others get kicked in the butt on their way through the birth canal?  There really can’t be someone “up there” deciding who gets what.  If we are all equal then it’s just a roll of the die.

These are all questions that everyone asks themselves all the time.  Well, most everyone.  I have to remember not to make generalizations anymore.  I used to think what I considered life changing events would wake people up to what’s important in life.  But, for the second time, I was shot down (hit me once shame on you, hit me twice, shame on me).  I found out that some people who get a life saving transplant do not want to be organ donors.  They probably wouldn’t have been one before their transplant so why would I expect them to be one afterward?  Oh, I don’t know, paying forward maybe?  If that event doesn’t change your way of thinking, nothing will.  Maybe I’m naïve, maybe I’m stupid to think this way.  Maybe people are inherently born to think one way and nothing in the world that happens to them is going to change it no matter how many events like the movie “It’s a wonderful life” happens to them.  In that case, is there a destiny?

My head is spinning.....

Not ready yet

Christine, Bonni, and I went to the annual candle lighting for The Compassionate Friends.  The formal meeting was cancelled (weather) but a few people were there.  I am just not ready for that group.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be.  They are wonderful people.  But I feel like I have to resign myself to telling the world that Mary is dead.  And every time I say that I fall apart.  She is not.  She’s alive and well in us all.  I have stopped crying so much because I don’t think like that.  The CF people don’t say it that way either in so many words.  They just are all so sad it brings me down.  If I’m going to cry I want it to be when I am celebrating her life and the things we do for her and in her name.  If I go back to pining away for her out loud for all to see, I will not be able to function.  So I choose to act like she’s a phone call away, out of sight, in another place.  Am I fooling my self, I don’t think so.  Reality is what you make it. 

Some of the stories of the children of TCF are unbearable.  I told someone last month that having someone to blame did not make it any easier to live with the loss.  After hearing about a 14 year old’s suicide, maybe it does.  I’m not sure if I could go on living with that knowledge.

Every time I see Mary’s things down stairs, tears start to form.  Because I know they will be there in the same place forever.  Some I can use, some I can’t. Some still smell like her.  I stopped sniffing. 

Here’s the interesting thing, all of what I said above could completely change tomorrow.  I just never know how I’m going to feel until the moment I’m living it.  Yesterday afternoon was better than the morning and this morning.   

What is remorse?

So, now I’ve heard for the 3rd time that the person, entity, monster, that killed Mary was very remorseful when he got sober enough to figure out what he did.  Big, freakin’ deal.  I wrote in my victim impact statement that I wanted him dead.  Does that make me as evil a person as he is?  Is he evil?  Did he just make a “mistake” as I’m sure the defense will try to say he did?  If he were to kill himself because of the remorse he feels would I fell bad and regret my feelings of hatred and anger toward another human being?   Seeing him as a monster and not a person make hating easier.  That’s why lawyers always try to juries see their clients as everyday people with similar lives, problems, dreams, etc. 

Ok, so he’s sorry for what he did.  What’s he going to do about it now?  What can he do?  Nothing that will make any difference to me but he could spend the rest of his life, his time and energy, every waking moment in the service of others - keeping nothing for himself and getting nothing in return.  This should be his “life changing event” but some how I don’t’ think it is.  People think that being “sorry” should be enough.  That they have a right to get on with their lives after they have admitted their wrong doing.  Then why, in days of yore, when you wronged someone you owed them the equivalent of your initial action (his life in this case) until you could pay the person back in like manner.  Or, if they saved your life, you were in service to them until they let you go. 

Well, Mary saved his butt big time.  He would have driving right off the side of the mountain that night if she had not been in the wrong place at the wrong time.  So, he owes her his life.  And spending a minimal amount of years in jail is not repayment even if the courts say he has paid his debt to society.  He hasn’t. 

Time to Restrict

I am going to restrict who can read my journal.  If you want to continue reading it, please send an email to racouey@yahoo.com.  I will add you to the list.  

Sorry for this inconvenience but some things become necessary as life moves on.
Love to all...

I want, I want

Why do I always have to be the responsible one.  Why can’t I just go away and not have to worry about anything.  Just sit in the sun with my eyes closed so I don’t have to know about anything that’s going on around me.  I want to just veg out and exist without any attachments.  Like the Paul Simon song says “I am a rock, I am an island”.  If nobody touches me I won’t get hurt.

My friend is leaving Atlanta.  She is getting away from everything, starting new.  She’s tired of the feelings that come with remembering Mary and what happened to her.  I don’t blame her.  I do it in a minute if it were possible.  Just for a little while. Just to regain some strength, some will, some want to keep going.  To want to do things is a lot different than to have to do things.   I want someone to take care of me for awhile.  I used to tell Mary that every so often.  She said she would and I knew that was true.

I just need a refresher course in living.

I really need to get back to writing every day.  It does help release the tension.

talk, talk, talk

Danny’s check up.  He has to take another one of those pills to boost his diuretic.  Needs to loose about 10 pounds.  I took the day off to go to Emory and work on the house in the afternoon. We will eventually get the house in shape.  One room at a time probably.  Hope I don’t run out of money.

I found someone in Colorado for Tony to talk to.  I hope it does him some good.  Just talk and talk and talk for awhile.