Sunday, April 26, 2009

unchosen path

Today I did normal things. Washed dishes, washed clothes, picked up around the house. Even went to a movie. I was eating popcorn and trying to keep up with the action and suspense. Then as I was urging the character to hurry up and move around the slower traffic keeping her from her intended destination, wham.........she was hit by an 18 wheeler and her car flew high in the air and flipped over and over and over. Yes, I did. I yelled out, covered my eyes, and cried and cried and cried. Julie grabbed me and held my head against her while I kept crying. I was not a pretty site. Neither of us expected this. I should have been holding her too but I couldn't.

Every so often for a few seconds my mind grasps the idea that Mary is truly gone and that split second of emptiness is so vast it takes my breath away and my whole body flinches. As long as I think of her as away for awhile I can get through most hours. Then some memory or picture or song or something will trigger reality and I run back to the dream that keeps me sane. Maybe as time goes by these two states of being will shift.

The house in Hayesville is now the problem at hand. What to do with it. So many possibilities and none of them pleasant. How one action can so totally destroy so many lives is astounding. Soon we will have to pick up Mary's "things" from the house. These pieces of her are the very essence that defined her. And now they are just memorials. Have I told you how much I hate that man? I have not been back to the house yet. Neither has Julie. Tony went once and became so voilently sick he had to leave without taking anything. Carol and Donnie water her garden and air out the house. The neighbor cuts the grass and picks up the mail. Time moves on.

Wednesday we have a meeting with the DA and the trooper who is on her case. I will change into my "down to business" shell and try not to let the real me out if possible. We will also go to Franklin so Kerry, Julie, and Danny can meet our lawyers. And probably go to Drake to pick up her stuff from her desk. They haven't touched her desk. They haven't replaced her. Everything is just as if she's out to lunch.

Last night we went out to dinner. There were 5 of us because Amanda came. We were celebrating Kerry's birthday and Danny's 2nd birthday. It has been 12 years yesterday with his heart. I used to say his new heart but it's fast approaching the mid point of his life with this heart. I believe I have some understanding now of what his donor's family went through. Knowing Danny lived and that boy didn't was a turning point in my life. There were no answers then and are still no answers. We sat and talked, ate, laughed, remembered funny, happy times with Mary. But the food was bland for me. I brought the leftovers home but still haven't finished eating it.

Why did someone else get to choose what my life will be like from now on?
Tomorrow afternoon at 3pm we will plant a weeping willow tree down by the creek for Mary.

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