Nothingness

I don't know what I want really. It just felt good to type it. It's getting harder and harder. Kerry went to work for a half day yesterday and today for awhile. I need to hire an attorney today to attend to her estate and start a claim for wrongful death. I think I found someone. My stomach hurts whether or not I eat. My chest hurts all the time. Some times I'm ok, most times not. This is not like I had ever imagined I would handle the death of my child. And I did imagine it in time past. I thought I'd knew what I'd do. And it was not pretty. But it's not. I wish I could feel the 'prayers' everyone is saying for us but I can't. I don't blame god in any way for this. That man made a choice and it was a bad choice. If he hadn't of hit Mary it would have been the people behind her so in some weird way she probably saved their lives. But it doesn't make me feel better. I can't look at her adult pictures anymore. Just the younger ones.