I DON'T WANT TO

It is night time and once again my demons attack. My nephew whom we haven’t heard from in 8-10 years is on the phone with Julie. He didn’t know. They had left a message on his facebook page to call us. All I could hear was Mary is dead. Mary is dead. It just keeps ringing in my ears. I watch TV with Julie. My once favorite shows. Now the fake shootings and stabbings and such aren’t fake anymore. Sometimes I change the channel, sometimes it doesn’t bother me. Nothing is the same. Each day the actions I used to do that were so part of my life, so normal, so enjoyable, aren’t anymore. I can’t find replacements. Some people have said ‘I know what you’re going through. So and so happened to my sister, my friend, whatever’. I just shake my head and stare at the wall. It doesn’t do any good to scream at them or calmly disagree. They think they are helping.

Today I called to keep her utilities going and pay bills that I can. Again I had to say the words, my daughter who was killed by a drunk driver. I always say how so people will understand the senselessness, the horror.

I’ve also had people them me about others whose children suffered a worse fate. And yes, it could have been worse, be worse, I’m sure. But is that supposed to comfort me? I think not. I’m just not sure how that comforts them. In most every situation there is a worse and lesser occurrence. But that’s life. The result is the same. Mary is not here sitting beside me, laughing with me, sewing with me, cooking with me, talking about Tony, getting ready for a hiking trip, a picnic on the mountain top at sunset, creating her wedding invitations. Many people received her Save the Date announcements after the accident. How horrible for them. I wear her wedding/engagement ring trying to remember how it looked on her little hand. Her small little piano fingers.

Why can’t I only remember the happy times. Why can’t I focus on her beautiful spirit and smiling face. I can only see that she is not here, anymore, ever. Will I see her again, I don’t know. I hope so. I want to see her NOW.

I went to work yesterday and today for a few hours. I couldn’t wait to get home today so we could burn the wood pile and clear the place where we will plant her willow tree. Not sure how much I can concentrate on work. But I’m trying.

It’s not so much that I can’t feel, sleep, smile, laugh, I DON'T WANT TO.