Sunday, April 19, 2009

Read at your own risk

Tomorrow will be three weeks from the last time I saw Mary. The last thing we said to each other was "love you bye, see you next weekend". And off she went in Danny's truck with Taco in her lap. She left her car keys here.

I don't write much anymore. It doesn't help, just depresses people.

For awhile we had her pictures turned around because it hurt to see her face smiling back at us. Now they are again looking at us reminding us of what will never be again. I can't write many of these emails anymore because all I do is cry while writing them. Everything I do is on auto pilot. I eat a little, don't sleep much (I keep seeing the crash over and over in my imagination - haven't seen the pictures), my chest hurts all the time. I take her bracelets and memory page everywhere I go. Nights are worse than days. I have talked to a few people who have lost children and two under the same circumstances. It doesn't help much. Maybe it will later. I know there are worse circumstances to loose someone but that doesn't help much either. And there are those who say I need to think about something else and get back to normal stuff. Nothing is normal anymore. And I really don't care.

Asking why is useless. There is no answer, never will be, ever. God doesn't help or hurt. He didn't cause it but he didn't stop it either. Nothing I can do, will ever do, or hope to do will ever bring her back. So each day is rather meaningless.

Every time the doorbell rings, day or night, I jump 10 feet, my heart stops. Each of us tells each other whenever we leave and return so we know we are ok. I can't imagine what Tony's going through. I haven't lost my soul mate. I can't imagine what anyone else is going through. Mary was so many things to so many people. I don't want her to be forgotten ever.

I never imagined love could hurt so much. But I will continue to breathe somehow. We are all pretty much like a bunch of sticks leaning on each other hoping one of us doesn't break or we'll all fall down. So far we just lean and hold each other.

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