Wednesday, April 6, 2011

What's the matter with me?

I'm beginning to think I'm the one who's bipolar in this household.  I have been swinging back and forth between wanting to start writing more poems and songs, start back with my art work, take classes, read more books and just totally sitting and doing nothing at all - like veg out until further notice. I feel like I'm exploding or imploding.  A pendulum swinging between a rock and a hard place is my life.  When I used to get in the "gotta do it all mood"  I'd start cleaning the house from top to bottom.  Music blaring and the rhythm moving me along, sun shining, fresh air, I had energy to boot.  But I haven't felt that way in a long time.  But over the last few weeks it's been coming back. Until tonight.  Until about an hour ago.  Very weird.

Like a balloon collapsing when it's let go to fly in the air I crashed.  I suddenly didn't feel I had anything to offer the world.  My skin doesn't fit my bones anymore.  I'm looking around in circles to find an anchor or a vision.

Why is it when I finally think I'm making my way out of the surf and up the beach I get side swiped by the sand.  Damn stuff's hard to walk in and it gets in my eyes and mouth.

I was really feeling good these last few days.  I even told Tony I was doing better hoping it would help him not to worry about me any more and start smiling.  Maybe it was something that was said at Danny's check up today.  I mentioned that there were quite a few people in the hospital waiting for a heart with type A blood.  Danny will have a longer wait.  Neile said that they were all different sizes and shapes.  In the back of my mind I realized that if they all were bigger than Danny, or shorter and rounder, he would still have a chance of getting a heart even with others waiting.  So.....maybe I shouldn't go on this trip to Canada.  I'm so confused, conflicted, going crazy.    

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