Saturday, July 3, 2010

Hard work

It's been awhile.  I have been busy trying to not think about last year. But the closer August and Sept get, the more I do.

Been kind of slacking on working around the house.  Watching new TV show series to get away.  It's hard work not thinking about the things that wander into your mind.  Hard work to rearrange the words from your mind to your mouth because your ears don't want to hear the truth.  Hard work trying to not feel guilty when you think you might be having fun doing something that you should be having fun doing.  Hard work trying not to show your tears every single time you hear someone say Mary's name.

I have to get back to working on the house.  I have things I really need to get done. If I don't keep busy my mind wanders.

A lady who lost her son is always joining groups for other lost children.That's a constant reminder for me, constant pins being stuck into my pincushion heart.  Too much for me.  She probably needs it.  Everyone is different.  

Tony called.  He says he's been trying to push away the memories because they hurt too much.  Then one day he was digging a deep hole and all the memories of digging Choda's grave and Mary came rushing back - in the middle of work - with all those people around.  He doesn't like talking about Mary with strangers.  He's been writing the letters to the judge and that man so I can read them in September.  He's been writing since January.  

Rose Kennedy said
It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
There's a song called "Only the strong will continue". It has a good beat. Wonder if it's true.  
And while I am walking I hear myself talking
Trying to convince my soul not to die

And while I am crying I hear myself sighing
Trying to ignore reality

And when my eyes are closing I see your smiling face
Then it fades away and the cold just rushes in
Memories are not enough my heart cries to the world
I want to touch and hold your hand – once again.

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