Thursday, January 30, 2014

Oh my!

It's been just over a year.

When you smile and cry
From the joy in your life
Your heart expands with love.

When you smile and cry
From the grief in your life
Your heart caves in from the pain.


I sit in a chair and slap my arm
Trying to figure out where I came from.
Not who I was when I was born, but who
I am not that you are gone.

Window panes of see thru glass
Coloring books with a lifeless past
Two dimensional photos staring back at me
While  I just sit and cry

You died. I cried.
My soul bled red life.
My heart did crack
Never to be whole again.

And now I sit in my rocking chair
Dreaming of life gone by
Tomorrows come with no relief
Todays I can only bare.
Where is the hope that I once had...
It crawled into a hole and died.

I don't do death and dying very well.
And you don't need a referee between you and your conscience.
You know the difference between true and real and false and phony.
And if you don't you'll learn very shortly.

If this is your first true close encounter with the face of death you'll understand why I can't be there.
It wears a mask of sadness but underneath is a shinning light of pure peace and forgiveness.
For it  is life that wears a mask of happiness but underneath is pure pain and revenge. The unforgiven walk the earth as do the unforgiving.

Regret stops at deaths door for those dying.  They can't do anything about it now. It's the living that keep hate and sorrow fed.  Death is a wake up call that slaps you in the face.
It asks the question, are you trying to hurt the one you love or do you want what's best for them?

This is not a recollection of all that life is.  Just a reminder to be careful of what you wish for, what you pray for, when the last seconds are ticking down.
Some use god to take away the pain like the morphine drip for the dying.
Some pretend and some just don't really care.

As much as I've tried to hide my grief, put on the facade of strength and courage, I have not "healed", I am a walking wimp.
I do what it takes to get by, hanging on to those who put up with me.

To those who morn, you do not want me around you in these last hours before death brings relief.  I would be a black hole sucking in the life around me.
You need  perseverance (not strength) and solitude to understand what's happening to you.  And some day you might.  I haven't yet.

I don't do death and dying.
I am not good at it.

Those are a few things I wrote over last year.  So much more in my head and it's expanding too fast.  I hear people thinking that it's time to let go and get on with my life.  I just ignore them.  They don't understand.  But the direction has changed.  It's time for me to take the blame for the relationships in my life.  Take a good look at myself.  And hope I don't throw up.

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