Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Permission vs What if?

I have not traveled anywhere in 6 years without Danny (and only once) since he's been on the list.  He can only go as far as 2 hours will take him.  So he usually only goes to Helen or Carol's.  Maybe to Cherokee for a quick trip.  

Now, I need to go to Canada for a business trip.  Most places I've wanted to go related to work have been for conferences or seminars.  Nice to go and learn more but I didn't want to leave and get "the call" and not be able to get home before Danny went in the operating room.

I want to go to Canada for the two days and my head tells me I should but my heart and my gut (yes, stomach aches) tell me "watch out - this could be it".  Danny says go for it too.  A friend of mine told me I need to give myself "permission" to go.  My counselor has told me before I have to learn to give myself permission to be happy.

This is a VERY hard thing to do and I don't understand why my two sides are fighting each other.  I want to be happy and enjoy life as Mary would.  Most people think I am when they see me because they don't see me at night when I am alone.  I had hoped after he was in prison I would get some kind of relief but not yet.  I guess this is just something I'm going to have to work on day by day.

My sisters have been trying for years to get me to go visit them but I won't.  Too far away.  Again with the permission.  We've been called at 1am and at 9am to go to Emory.  It could happen at any moment.  If I was a praying person then what I feel every second could be called praying for it to happen NOW.  The plane trip is only 2 hours but they only fly between 6am and 6 pm.  So I wouldn't be able to get home for those 12 hours.  

What it actually boils down to is this - if something happened to Danny while he was getting his heart and I wasn't there I would never, could never forgive myself.  I am terrified to leave him.  His attitude is so positive he doesn't even voice what I am sure is in his heart (as it would be in mine).  There's always what if.... but no one wants to say it or think it.  He did say he was scared last time we were waiting but the vision of life with a new heart out weighted the what if's.

BUT.... I have to be there to keep watch when the doc's and nurses are busy.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?  I will get my passport renewed anyway, just in case I can give myself permission.  But that's a freakin' BIG word.   PERMISSION

1 comment:

  1. I have trouble with giving myself permission to be happy, too. For me, having a sense of control (however false, because it ultimately is false) is too often preferable to letting myself relax and see and enjoy the good things life has to offer. If I look at this logically, I realize how faulty my thinking is. But knowing and doing are two different things, aren't they.

    It's a tough life, though, to live in these chains of our own making. I hope you're able to give yourself permission to travel. If you are, maybe it will be a first small step toward learning to give yourself permission for other things.

    I know you are so proud of Danny--he sounds like a strong person, and a wise one.

    Take care, my friend! You are in my thoughts, as always.