Monday, January 25, 2010

I don't know

I don’t know where I’m going
I don’t know where I’ve been
I do know I am walking
Round that bend again …

Can’t hear what they’re saying
Can’t see what they’ve done
But I can feel the air around me
And it’s full of sarcasm

Oh help me
Help me find my way
Help me climb outta this hole I’m digging’ myself in

I don’t want to see the rainbows
Don’t want to feel the warm sunlight
I do wish I could touch you
Just to prove I’m right

Can’t get ‘round the mountain
Can’t swim that river’s flood
But I can see the truth around me
And it’s full of sarcasm

Oh help me
Help me find my way
Help me climb outta this hole I’m digging’ myself in

I haven’t logged into Mary’s email account in months.  I don’t check her facebook wall very often.  I just looked today.  Her friends were saying happy birthday to her.  Sometimes her picture will pop up on the right side as FB asks you to send a message because you haven’t talked to someone in awhile or something like that.  Wonder how long we can leave her page on FB.  How long can I pretend she’ll send me a message or post to my wall.  I try so hard not to cry when I think of Mary.  I love saying her name but it hurts so much.

I could so easily sit around the house watching TV just doing absolutely nothing but so many things on TV have Mary stamped across them.  I can’t watch wedding ads or look at them in magazines.  Can’t watch car chases, can’t watch romance flicks (that rules out a fair amount of movies since someone is always kissing someone in them).  I’m not sure how Tony’s goes hiking and camping without Mary but then he can’t see how I can have parties for Mary.  Guess we each do what we can do. 

I’m still wearing her clothes and jewelry and shoes.  Melissa gave me back a box of material of Mary’s but I can’t open it.  One day, maybe.

The bank owns the house now.  There is nothing left of Mary or Tony in NC.  Well, maybe not nothing.  Carol has some plants of Mary’s and a couple of knickknack’s (I can’t believe that’s how you spell that word).  But for the most part their spark, their spirit, their song is long gone.  I hope Tony will find his way again some day.

Another court day coming up on Feb 15th.  Hope to find out when the trial will be sometime this week.  Do you have any idea what it’s like waiting for this and waiting for Danny’s heart at the same time?  Waiting for another bomb to drop.  I’ve said before I don’t know what will happen to me if something happens to Danny.  Well, today I know.  I will just go away where no one can find me.  Ask me tomorrow and I may have another answer.

Now I want to go spend some time with my sweet baby boy – even if he is bigger than me I can still call him my baby.

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