Life Sucks

Found out last week that the man that killed Mary got a ticket for having an open container while he was driving his car.  Had a beer stuffed between his car seats - over half gone.  This happened on April 1st.  One year and one day after he ruined our lives.  He was driving on the same road around 9om at night.  Didn't hit .08 on the breathalyzer but was on his way.  Now he only has to pay his ticket and he'll be on his way again.  Justice is a fickle state.

I live in the past, exist in the now, and am terrified of the future.  Sometimes it's just not worth getting out of bed.  Even when I try to do something constructive or fun the enthusiasm just isn't there.  The world is just blah and sad.

Kerry's birthday is Thursday and I'm having a party for him on Saturday.  He'll be 60.  Mary lives birthday parties.  If I bring Mary's picture wonder if anyone will feel uncomfortable.  But do I care?

Tony is here.  He's been here for a week and is leaving Sunday to start his trip to Alaska.  It has been good having him around.  But when we look at each other, sadness rains down.  Life sucks. 

Guilt

So.... what do I know.  Not much.  Nothing.  Life keeps moving on, passing me by, and I just keep sitting here waiting, for what I know not.  I'm not even sure if I'm waiting or just sitting.  

Last week was almost as horrible as last year, just without the shock.  So many people called, texted, and emailed to say we were in their thoughts.  And......a few people didn't.  Nothing, not one word.  Oh well...

I am told that I live in the world of survivor's guilt. Interesting term. It's keeping my brain stuck in the past while my body moves blindly forward.  Because as we all know, you have to keep moving, breathing, eating, peeing, working, shopping, cleaning, and sometimes, laughing, playing, and always, hating, crying, and loving.

My life in a nut shell, I'm stuck.

Tony's coming tomorrow.  Can't wait.