Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I want.... I want.....

How do I forget March 31st.  How do I remove it from my memory?  Right now it is looming in the forefront like a tidal wave that is slowing forming, picking up mass and speed.  I have always had dreams (or maybe they are called nightmares) of standing on a beach when a tidal wave comes at me.  And I mean a BIG wave.  So tall I can’t jump up and ride the swell over it.  More like 40 feet tall.  When I saw the movie Deep Impact, it showed a giant tidal wave caused by the meteorite crashing to earth.  THAT is my dreammare.  I always wake up when the water starts to enclose me in terror.  I also have dreams of flying – without wings – anywhere and everywhere I want.  Sometimes I hit the ground and sometimes I get too high but I do so love those dreams.
I tried going to bed at a decent hour (11:30) and I laid there and tossed and turned thinking about everything all at once.  About Mary, her smile, the crash, Danny, what happens if….back to Mary and what I’m saying to that man in court.  Round and round in circles until my pillow is so wet and my nose is so stuffy I have to get up.  Sometimes I wake up my husband so I hold my breath and breathe slowly until I hear him snoring again.  No need bothering him.  We all have our demons. 
I am seeing the crash again as I drive to and from work or around town.  I catch myself shaking my head NO at no one in particular trying to say it didn’t happen.  I remember walking around shaking my head for days on end.  I kept repeating NO.....NO over and over again in between banging my head on the wall.  Then I moved to hitting the walls with my fist.  That hurt more than the head banging.  Trying to erase the reality I guess.
My urge to learn to paint is fizzling out.  My urge to do anything right now is starting to fade.  I know I can’t paint very well.  But my old habits of wanting to do something perfect, or at least really good, the first time is showing itself.  I know I don’t spend enough time actually practicing.  I know that’s the problem.  So what do I spend all my time doing when I’m not at work?  Cleaning, washing, sitting and staring and wishing I had the energy or urge to do something creative.  I don’t even write as much as I want.  I watch way too much TV but TV is a fantastic escape from reality.  Until you hit an episode that cuts your heart out.
I watched a new show called Past Life.  I got 10 minutes into the 2nd episode and they started talking about that “soul connection” two people have like when a child is hurt and the parent knows.  Well, that’s all for that show.  I have always wondered if that kind of thing really exists.  Do you have to be “special” to feel things like that?  Is that what being a psychic or medium is?  There’s sympathy and empathy – what’s the difference?  I think there’s a big difference.  I remember an episode of Star Trek about an “empath”. 
GOD, I hate feeling so lost and unattached.  Why is it that my mental feelings affect my physical body so much?  Sometimes I feel like I’m smothering and being squished.  And for those that tell people who have mental disorders to “get over it” or “get a life”...   I say… know what I’d say.
I want Mary back.  I want my life back the way it was.  I want to not live on the edge waiting for the unforgivable to happen again.  I want to not feel terrified all day long.  I want…….. I want…… I want… Mary.

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