Ghosts

Tears streak through the white washed mask
so well displayed for all to see
Bare wood memories start to splinter as
the mind grasps the reality of loneliness
Odors of yesterday fill the daydream
while sounds arc across phantom air
Visions of smiles and shuffling feet move
through cobwebs in the mind

Sometimes what you do know can hurt
even if you don't know when

Death sleeps silently unable to waken
from its ghostly slumber of the ages

Oh my

I didn't realize it had been this long since I last wrote. I keep trying to find things to keep my mind busy but I'm running out of ideas. Can't shop forever, running out of money. Can't paint forever, running out of ideas. Eating too much, sleeping to little, thinking when I don't want to. Can't ignore the hurt like I thought I could.

I am stuck. Still standing in the middle of that dessert, but the stand storm is kicking up. Guess I'll try writing here again.

Gave up Facebook mostly. Maybe once or twice a week for 5 minutes. Don't follow hearts anymore. Getting to where I don't really like painting them either.

Let's face it. I'm just stuck.

New year...

Yesterday I spent the whole day painting. Today I'm heading to Canada to start back to work. I wonder how long I can keep up this facade? Am I fooling anyone but myself?
I gave Michael a little bit so Danny so he could get to Utah like he wanted to. Next will be Las Vegas. Then both of them will finally be where they wanted to be most of all, Chilkat Lake.
I am going to make some lockett's like Mary's. Julie got her Danny tattoo last week.

I can tell you I am a different person entirely than I was 3 years ago. I am not who I thought I was going to be either. I have no plans other than today. So let's see what happens this week.

SBT

So this is the end of a year with great highs and lows. Lows so deep I didn't want to keep going. Highs high enough to make me smile for a week. But I've lost all the joy I once had. Don't know when I'll get it back if ever.
So I sit here watching old tv shows as if time will go back to when they were made. Every nite I go to sleep reliving the last hour. I can't get it out of my head. Just like I couldn't get the crash out.
Get on with the business of living I keep telling my self. Sometimes I listen.
I got up this morning to work on my art. Sat down at 9am to log on to work to see if they needed me and got up at 5pm. My doc said I should go back to work to give some structure. And I am but I haven't got the heart for it I use to have. It took me a long time to get it back after Mary left and now I'm afraid it's gone for good. But I have bill to pay so.... Good thing I like my co workers..they are some of the best friends I have.

Sad but true.... Sbt

My bad...

A girl Danny's age that we visited at Emory got a heart this week.  Started having the same troubles that Danny did but now her kidney's are working.  Her new heart is having a little trouble so she is still critical. I can't help but feel a little jealous.
It's been 5 days now and she's still having trouble. I'm so sorry she's still in icu. Everyone is giving god all the praises. What's going to happen if it all goes wrong. What will the praises be about then? Is that mean? If I could pray I would. But I truly hope she gets well.
I have to quit reading all the transplant links and remove them. I'll the buddies but not the rest. It hurts more than I had thought it would. I'm so confused.

Uummmm

I miss my kids,too. Long day yesterday. Things to do, places to go, people to see. But no joy in seeing the sunrise. Every day is a little too long for me. Thanks, Kerry, for trying to distract me with wonderful toys. It works for a little bit. Then the numbness comes back because I don't have Danny to run to and show my toys to. Or argue with about letting him have them, or talking about getting him the same thing. After all, it's only money and you can't take it with you.
Distractions are good for only so much anesthesia.

Shopping again

Yes, shopping again.  This time with Cindy and Amber.  Getting Cindy's hair cut and my hair place then to lunch with Amber and on to shopping.  Boy do I like to spend money.  Don't have any but that's not stopping me.  This is my escape, my release, the faux kleenex for my heart when it's bleeding.  

I have more pictures to create.  I can feel them.  Just need some peace and quiet.  Maybe I'll take another art class.  Never know.

Wednesday night I didn't go sleep.  Got in bed at 2am after finishing a hat and laid there until Kerry got up at 4am.  Then I just got up too.  Went back to making hats again and drinking coffee.  Just sitting in my chair with the quiet darkness outside and the little light on over my head reminds me I am still standing in the middle of the desert. Nothing has changed.  Still sand everywhere with some of the glassy spots still laying around.  I guess I could try to step on one of them but I'm not going to.  I'm quite comfortable standing here.  Those spots might give way and I'll fall.  I know they lead somewhere but I'm not in the mood to find out where.  One day.