hmmmmm......

I went to see a movie yesterday.  I watch funny movies and specific tv shows to get away from the stress and wave crashes of everyday life.  Let's face it, everyone has some kind of stress in their life, not just me. I am not special.  

So, I've been thinking lately about that beach of mine.  Why I like it so much or feel more comfortable waiting for the next storm rather than looking for a path through the trees.  Not sure.  But I find myself building sand castles in the surf.  Got to think on that one awhile.

Just another day.

I know.... I missed the entire month of August.  Just as well, way too much going on to even think clearly.  

Maybe I'll just post a sentence or two here each night instead of writing a chapter.
Today everyone is remembering Sept 11, 2001.  And I'm wondering why the world doesn't recognize that Mary is missing also...  Am I that self centered or insensitive?  Would it make me feel any better if there was a Mary Day?  No, probably not.  

Anyway, back to work.  Way to busy to piss and moan about my life.  Remember, Rose, you are not special to anyone but your family.  You are just like everyone else.


Love you Mary... love you

Have fun!

My baby's going to the beach today.  He's not on the active transplant list so he can go off for a few days.  First time in about 5 years he's gone more than 100 miles away.  Wish he could be going to Alaska but that's a little too far.

I hope he has the time of his life!

Not me

I really don't like sleeping anymore.  I know I have to, I know my body needs to rest and recuperate.  But I don't want to miss out on life.  Even if most of my sleep time is at night, in the dark, while everyone else is asleep.  I know this.

Once in awhile I do sleep in on a weekend morning.  But I'd rather be sitting on the back porch in the cool morning air.  Unfortunately right now it's not cool at 7am, or at 3am.

I don't want to dream either.  I know I've complained about hardly every dreaming about Mary.  If I can't or don't dream about her, what's the use in dreaming or trying to. Every few years I dream about my mother.  Sometimes I don't even recognize her.  I have very few pictures of her when I knew her.  Most of them are when Ann and Vyvyan were children.  I have pictures of Mary everywhere.  Mostly so the kids won't forget what she looks like.

Danny's feet are still swelling.  They were better when he got up this morning but since he's been upright, they have started swelling again.  I hope he is able to go to the beach.   The momma in me wants him home so I can take care of him.  The other momma wants him to be able to enjoy this time he has to leave Ga.


Life sucks.

Here we go again...

So now it's Sunday morning and his feet are huge again.  Danny went to a 311 concert last night.  Didn't drink or eat anything but when he got home his feet were almost as big as they were when they put him in the hospital.  He could still wiggle his toes but can hardly bend his ankles.  I cooked him some steak and eggs and grits (sans salt) and he added up all the fluids he had today so he could see how much he could drink with his dinner.  Then he took a diuretic booster and went to eat with his feet up in the air for the night.  If they don't shrink by today at noon he's going to stay there all day with his feet up.  I, of course, am calling the coordinators to tell them.  

How can he go to the beach if his feet swell this much this fast?  He won't be able to stand up fishing much.  And what fun is it sitting in a hotel room with your feet up staring out the window at the waves?

I really need the docs to fix my baby so he can enjoy the little break he's getting.  Then  I need them to move him up on the list without putting him in the hospital, but that's not going to happen.  If needing both organs does not move you up either then what good is it doing us.  I told them not to let his other organs fail.  They said his liver and lungs are fine but that's what they said about his kidneys when he checked out of Emory.  THEN the drop the bomb at his checkup.

Bring on the Rain is becoming my theme song.  I wish I believed it as much as I did before.  What will happen to me, to Kerry, to Julie if something happens to Danny?  I just don't know.

What's it like to know that when they are putting you to sleep for your transplant there's a chance you might not wake up?  Yes, it could happen to anyone for any operation but they are taking your HEART out and putting it back.  I go under for pacemaker replacement but not in the same way.  This has happened before to Danny's friend.  I know he must think about it.  I can't help wondering.  And don't give me that shit about don't cross a bridge before you get to it.  I've been there and crossed it.  And I can't get back.

Yes, I'm worried, about everything, Danny, Kerry, work...  Julie has someone to worry about her now.  (I'm soooo glad.  He is very nice.)  I've got to suck it up and keep going.  And I will somehow.  It's not "strength", it's love.

07/24/11
So, now Danny's home.  From Sunday night to Friday afternoon he shrunk up from 153#'s to 140#'s.  But he's feeling much better.  And looks so happy.  

I started looking through all the pictures on my floor.  They're ones I took off the hallway wall when I was painting. I can't seem to figure out how to get the into those black frames I bought.  I wanted my hallway to look nice and have some continuity instead pictures in all those mis-matched multicolored 2nd hand frames. But I have too many pictures and they don't fit the little "windows" in the frames.


07/29
I forgot to post the above and now it is not important anymore.
 
Danny had a check up today so they could see if his fluid build up was adjusting well.  He's gained 10 pounds since last Friday when he left Emory. But it's not affecting his heart as of yet.

Now for the bad news.  They have put him on the inactive heart list so he can have some more tests done to his kidneys.  The scan they did when he was there shows some "differences" from the scan he gets annually and they are concerned.  So the kidney transplant docs are going to take a look at him.  They said it might be nothing but they might want to do a biopsy.  The worst outcome (I believe) is he may need a heart / kidney transplant.

I haven't done any research on kidney disease or transplants yet.  But I will be asking a lot of questions next week and when I get all my answers I know I still won't like it.

After listening to the doc answers all my questions and thinking about the situation for a few minutes, Danny asked him "does this mean I can go to the beach?"  He has such an amazing outlook on things.  That didn't even cross my mind!  Yes, he can go to the beach.  So, after all his tests are finished he's heading somewhere he can fish on the shore.  I did ask if he could go to Alaska but, alas, that's a little too far!! 

I have to say I am really getting tired of this ghost called Chaos.  Each checkup Danny goes to I get my self ready for what "I" think the bad news might be.  This time is was maybe they'll put him back in the hospital next week to get the fluid off again.  But nnnnoooooooooo that's not bad enough.  Chaos always has to one up me.  Chaos must be an "alpha male" as Danny calls it.  It has to one up me all the time.

Well, now I'm getting pissed.

Back again

Danny is back in the hospital again.  Retaining too much fluid.  Trying to keep his kidneys working.  He's bored stiff.  I don't blame him.  But he's feeling better and can wiggle his toes now.  

I'm here with him. He brings Mary with him everywhere he goes. 

Nothing can happen to him that they can't fix.  Someone needs to understand that.