My bad!

Yes, it is hard to get back to putting on paper what rattles around in my head.  But I'm trying.  I will write more today or tonight.  I just don't have that "life is great" feeling anymore.  I think I've lost it somewhere....I've fallen and I can't get up.  Or I don't want to get up. 

Day 3

Some one said "tough times don't last, tough people do".  Replace the word "tough" with other words - hard, soft, mean, funny, etc.  What do you get? Meaningless dribble.   Lots of little sayings to make you feel better but they don't.

We'll talk about "hope" tomorrow night. Another phantom meaning.

I did walk on the treadmill tonight.  2 days in a row.

Day 2

There we go.  Another year come and gone, another year to get through... I was supposed to start this yesterday but I only thought about it. I did start one new action.  I am starting each day off with a big glass of water. And I'm going to try to eat something for breakfast. Today I even did a few sit-ups.  That which is displayed in my mind hardly ever gets to my arms and legs but I'm going to try this year.

New Year's Day was uneventful.  Moved my shoes and sweaters to Gabe's room and neaten end up my shelves. Went to a movie with Bonni, knitted, played a game, fed the doggies, worked on plans for Ann's party. When you put it on paper my life is boring. I'm sure I did something else but what I didn't do is wash the dishes.

I guess that dude will start working on the floor this week.

Talked to Sherrell for a few minutes.  She made it back from the other side.  I was a little worried she might not make it.  I'll go visit her once and then let her and me get on with our lives.

Gotta get ready for work.
Love you Mary, love you Danny.
Holding on to Julie.

Not sure any more

It's getting a little harder each day to fool myself into believing Danny is in Alaska. But then if I know that it's not true, who am I really fooling?

I hate going downstairs to his room to let the dogs out.it's empty and cold and so not him. Know we couldn't just keep his room the way it was. That's reality. Not the one I want but the one I'm living in none the less.

Those that possess something in great quantities sometimes tend to devalue it. Those with money, burn it. Those with people, take them for granted. And those with time on their hands, waste life on the unimportant. The only thing you can't have too much of is love and sometimes it's not enough.

So I wil keep playing the fool, pretending that all is fair in love and war. But the hurt isn't going away. And the dam is going to break one day.

Ghosts

Tears streak through the white washed mask
so well displayed for all to see
Bare wood memories start to splinter as
the mind grasps the reality of loneliness
Odors of yesterday fill the daydream
while sounds arc across phantom air
Visions of smiles and shuffling feet move
through cobwebs in the mind

Sometimes what you do know can hurt
even if you don't know when

Death sleeps silently unable to waken
from its ghostly slumber of the ages

Oh my

I didn't realize it had been this long since I last wrote. I keep trying to find things to keep my mind busy but I'm running out of ideas. Can't shop forever, running out of money. Can't paint forever, running out of ideas. Eating too much, sleeping to little, thinking when I don't want to. Can't ignore the hurt like I thought I could.

I am stuck. Still standing in the middle of that dessert, but the stand storm is kicking up. Guess I'll try writing here again.

Gave up Facebook mostly. Maybe once or twice a week for 5 minutes. Don't follow hearts anymore. Getting to where I don't really like painting them either.

Let's face it. I'm just stuck.

New year...

Yesterday I spent the whole day painting. Today I'm heading to Canada to start back to work. I wonder how long I can keep up this facade? Am I fooling anyone but myself?
I gave Michael a little bit so Danny so he could get to Utah like he wanted to. Next will be Las Vegas. Then both of them will finally be where they wanted to be most of all, Chilkat Lake.
I am going to make some lockett's like Mary's. Julie got her Danny tattoo last week.

I can tell you I am a different person entirely than I was 3 years ago. I am not who I thought I was going to be either. I have no plans other than today. So let's see what happens this week.