Well...

No more poems.

Too much beer...too many tears.

It's such a bummer that I can't drink without crying. Same thing happened with Mary but I could call Danny and talk.  Now I just sit and wipe away the tears.  So, I don't drink much.

And I don't write much.

Words

Last night I got into bed and muted the tv and started to write....

The Path

I've been down this path before
Through the gate I closed the door
Followed footstep others made
And found they didn't fit...

So I tried to make my own
Found I had to walk alone
Step by step I made my way
Keeping others lives at bay

Couldn't take the chance that I
Might step on someone else's life
Destroy the rhythm they had found
To survive this journey bound

Now we are back inside this gate
Hoping that it's not too late
To find another knob to turn
To show myself what I have learned.


Pain

I don't know where
I don't know when
I don't know why
I just can't give in


I will ignore
I will escapte
I will reject
This place of fate


But I will survive
I will arrive
at some far away
place to hide

Shielding my face
Pushing away grace
So I can just breathe


This time I will not cry
As long as no one speaks your name
my tears are tucked inside my brain
I learned from you how to hide my pain.

hummm...

Oddly, several hours after my last post I started getting an inkling of Christmas cheer.  It lasted an hour or so. 

Today I'm getting my hair done.  Maybe looking better will make me feel better.  Who knows.  

Thanks to everyone who reads this for being my friend.  I realize this journal is not especially uplifting and positive.  But it is what it is.
love you

Movies

I have been watching lots of TV movies and shows.  The older movies use music for mood changes a lot more than newer movies.  It rather gives away the next scene.  One scene every one is happy and smiling and the music is light and breezy and cheerful.  Enter, in the next scene, the villain.  But just before the entrance comes the music. It changes suddenly to very low and very high menacing chops of beware tones.  It makes you get ready for the "whatever" that's coming next and you KNOW it's not good because of the music. 

That's what we need in life, beware music.  To prepare us for the chaotic scenes that we can't control.  

I do not like the scary movies where the scene changes suddenly to the horror of "whatever" and your heart stops and your breath is sucked away.  I cannot handle those scenes anymore.  I don't even like the sudden change to happy scenes either.

 

Differences

So many things are different from when Mary left.  I remember being unable to do most anything without falling apart.  I cried myself to sleep for months.  I cried to and from work for months.  Thanksgiving was 8 months later and still nothing tasted any good.  I didn't eat much for many months after that.  Christmas was a total disaster.  We didn't get a tree until probably the 23rd of December.  I didn't get any decorations down.  The kid hand made them.  I started seeing my grief counselor in September because I could not do anything at work or home.  I guess it was partly the raw anger that made it so hard.  We we going to court every few months and he still wasn't in prison.   When I was finally able to go out to dinner with friends and I would have one small drink sometimes.  Then I would end up in the bathroom crying, calling Danny just to hear his voice and tell him I was sad.  Now I call Tony.

Thanksgiving this year was empty.  Good food, good company, but lonely.  I only shed a few tears at night before going to bed.  I do not cry much but don't ask me anything about Mary or Danny.  I cannot guarantee the out come.  So, I just ignore the pain and loneliness.  I knit or crochet scarfs and hats.  I am afraid of Christmas.  Once again I know I should decorate a tree for the kids.  So this year I will leave it up entirely to Julie.  I have already bought some presents for everyone.  I'll give Danny's to Amber.  She'll like it.  I have one more present to buy Kerry.  I really would just like to skip Christmas but that would be rather hard.  Unless I leave the country.  I like being around the doggies too much.

I told my boss I would help him in December.  I hope I can keep that promise. So much life has been sucked out of me that it's hard to face Danny's life long wish.  

I have to notify people and places that he can be removed from their list.  I know I have to do this and I will next week.  I'll just paint some more pain varnish on my soul and pick up the phone.  Better now than closer to Christmas.  

We are home from Carol's.  The time since I last talked to Danny is starting to grate on my nerves.  He's usually not gone for longer than 3 or 4 days at a time.  I thought I could ignore it longer.  Sometimes it feels like it's been 2 days and sometimes like he's sleeping on his side.  Now it's starting to feel vacant.  

I still haul both my phones around with me waiting for Emory to call. 

thanks for what

Danny says "thanks for life".  I should honor that and I am trying.  It's beautiful up here in NC. 


I should be doing a lot of things in my head but my heart won't let me.  I should be making sure Tony, Amber, Michael, Zak, Sherrell, Donnie, Carol, Julie and others are doing ok.  But it hurts too much to talk about.  So I'm just pushing time by and ignoring reality as much as I can.  


Guess I'll be stuck in the middle of this desert for awhile.  Nothing has changed yet.  One day maybe it will. 


I so did not want Mary to take Danny.  I begged her not to.  But I can't be mad at her.  She was only following her heart too.  

Another day, another dawn

Kerry goes to bed every night around 11pm, gets up around 2am, comes back to bed around 4am, then up again around 6am.  Fortunately he naps during the day a little so he is getting some rest time.  I wake up each time he stirs but I don't get up.

I got up at 4:30 this morning.  Had a really weird dream, 2 actually.  In the first one a man and a woman were trying to teach me or see if I understood (I think) what it truly means to love someone.   Had to do with driving down a busy street, kinda like that tv show Cash Cab where they are talking and driving and stopping down NYC busy streets.  I kept giving them fairly decent answers but never the correct one.  Then finally I told them I would give my life for my family and that's when they smiled and said "yes", smiled and acted like they had accomplished their mission.  Then they moved on to someone else in my life to ask the same question.  

The second dream started when the first one finished.  I moved from the street to a hospital room with beds that were chin high.  I had to use a ladder to climb into one.  I was having a "procedure" done that required me to take a pill that would "relax" me so I could go to sleep and not remember anything.  I did NOT want to take the pill so I left the room and went to the bathroom.  I found another pill that looked about the same.  I did take one of them but couldn't remember if it was the right one.  So back on the bed I told the nurse I did not want to go to sleep.  She couldn't tell if I had taken the correct pill but the doctor said it was ok anyway and started doing something to me.  I woke up then.

I haven't remembered any dream I've had in ages.  I didn't have any late night ice cream attacks.  I did drink a beer around 9pm.

I am creating Danny's thank you notes. Hopefully I'll have them by the beginning of December.  Today I have reality things I need to do.  I hope they won't take long. Reality makes my stomach hurt.