It's Christmas - whoopee...

Yep, it's Christmas.  I did fairly well buying gifts.  I even crocheted a few hats and neck warmers.  I didn't spend too much but more than I would have with Mary.  We had so much fun Christmas of 2008 (I will not say it was THE last christmas) making presents for each other.  I took lots of pictures I had of the kids when they were little (with Tony too) and put them in frames.  Mary found time somehow to sew and crochet. We were more excited to find out what the other person had come up with than opening the presents.

People say "Oh, thank goodness it didn't happen on a holiday.  It would have made that holiday sad every year".  Well, I'm hear to tell you that it doesn't matter what day of the year death happens.  Every day after that is sad no matter what.  Doesn't maker it sadder or better based on any event.  Even though I always comment that their wedding day was only 2 months away, it could have been the next day or on that day and it wouldn't have hurt any less.

I hung Mary's stocking between all of ours.  This time I didn't put any candy in it.  I'd just eat it and get fat.  We have about 30 stockings - Ann makes new ones each year for the kids.  I have the ones she made for my kids way back when.  Sometimes I can't decide which to use.  But the ones we have been used to for the last few years are sort of a match set for the three of them.  Got them at Ann's house when they were teenagers. Kerry's was the same green one he's used forever and I changed mine to something new.  Won't do that next year.  Danny couldn't figure out which one was mine so my presents from Santa were on the hearth.  boo hoo.

Funny how a little thing like stockings makes or breaks your morning.  I didn't have the umph to even make the sweet rolls.  We were supposed to go to Carol's this year.  Didn't make it last year.  She loves Christmas as much as Mary.  But the ice and snow stopped us.  So I sat in my jammies and watched everyone open their gifts and kept Mary's stocking in view.  The kids came in the afternoon and we had presents all over again.

I burned a lot of candles.  Had 18 going at one time.  Mary's candle is starting to crack so I have to watch that.  Sitting in the candle light is comforting a little.

What's different between this year and last?  I don't know exactly.  Resignation maybe?  Just sort of walked around like a zombie at times.  Saved the tears for night time.  That's not any different.

Where is the spirit?

I just cannot get in the mood for good tidings.  I put up decorations and they look blah.  But first I took everything out of my kitchen so I could repaint it.  I painted over the crackled paneling that Mary and I had such a good time painting several years ago.  Each stroke reminded me of the mess we made, the bad spots we laughed over.  I found all the places we were going to redo "later".  The whole wall behind the stove was where we were learning how to "crackle".  It looked worse than I remember.  But I painted over all of it.  Gave it a new look, a new face for the world to see.  

Then when I started putting things back in the kitchen, I looked at all the things that were in Mary's kitchen.  Some I use and some I don't but it felt good to look at them.  I probably had 14 cook books and only used maybe 3.  So I've moved some of those to another book case.  I hope it doesn't turn in to "out of sight, out of mind" or I might have to move them back in.  

So, now my house is a mess.  Kitchen stuff everywhere (I haven't finished reconstructing it) and Christmas stuff everywhere.  I don't think I'll leave the tree up till March this year.  Just don't have the will and I can't stand the mess.  Christmas ain't what it used to be.  I tried, I really did try to be happy for Mary but the nights weren't accommodating. And I can't take the "happy every after" Christmas stories on the Hallmark channel.

And I supposed Christmas hasn't been the same since we started waiting for another heart.  Accidents happen on holidays. They called Danny on Jan 2nd two years ago and a week after July 4th this year.  I hate that.

 

If I die young...

I finally figured out why I can't or don't want to make Mary's purses.  It's because she's not here to help me.  We made them together or rather I would help her when she was here.  I never did it alone.  I can't bare to even think of the memories of us working downstairs.  The one thing I can do is crochet hats like Mary's.  I guess because there are no memories.  I'm just trying to copy the ones Danny has.  I've almost got it down.  Takes a few hours though.

Watching the "Christmas" special shows on the Hallmark station are getting a little old.  Once I figured out that people don't really change all that much when life events happen, the stories all seem a little, well, empty.  Every story is about some person who has nothing who teaches some other person who has too much what love means.  Or vice versa. People just aren't that naive.  They are either mostly good or mostly evil. Maybe I'm getting too cynical.  Or maybe it just hurts too much.  When everyone is asleep and all is quiet, the smile fades, the tears form, the sadness comes, and my heart never stops hurting.

I heard this song on my way to work last Friday.  I cried the rest of the way.  This is for us both, Christine....


"If I Die Young"  by the Band Perry

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've
Never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there's a
Boy here in town says he'll, love my forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

For Mary...

We had a nice Thanksgiving at Jon's house.  3 years ago Mary and I asked Jon if he wanted to have Thanksgiving at his new house so everyone could see it. We didn't go last year.  So this year we went.  We put Mary's picture on the table.  Good food, family, and best of all, I didn't have to cook or clean up.  Neither did Carol!  Maybe we'll do it again next year.

Christmas is in front of me now.  Last year I could not even breathe the word.  We got a tree just before Christmas (last one at Walmart) so the kids would have one.  I've been thinking a lot about what to do this year.  Tony says this is Mary's favorite time of the year and she had to work so, so much she couldn't enjoy it.  She kept her tree up till March so she could enjoy it after tax time and I did the same thing last year.  But I forgot what "favorite time" means.  This Christmas - 
I will be happy for Mary.
I will decorate for Mary.
I will sing carol's for Mary.
I will play Christmas music for Mary.
I will have the kids trim the tree the whole month of December for Mary.
I will crochet hats for Mary. (Already did 3.)
I will smile for Mary.
I will laugh for Mary.
I will make gifts for Mary.
I will love like Mary.

I've been trying to push myself through these last few months.  Make myself walk this path. Step after step without looking back and I find it's not working as well as I thought it would.  My counselor told me what my heart has been screaming - it's ok to slow down and keep grieving. It's ok that I still cry at night sometimes.  It's ok that I'm still haunted by scene's of the crash.   Pushing them down deep is not going to make them go away.  It might make a volcano one day. It's ok that behind my smiling cheeks are sad eyes.  I need to take one step at a time.  I will find my way, one day at a time. 

I will admit my anxiety is rising now that a real date has been set for the trial.  I am constantly coming up with possible scenario's where he gets off.  And most are completely impossible.  But I have to cover all the bases.  What if....I'm sure the DA has thought of everything but still.....I am scared.

Why are all the Hallmark Christmas TV shows so contagious even though we know they are nothing like reality?  Is it because we wish they were reality? Everyone is so happy and cheery by the end of the show and everything always works out for the best.  Both disgusting and wonderful at the same time.  And it's always about two people falling in love.  They are very hard to watch most times.  A few I can wiggle through.

No, I haven't forgotten about Kerry, Julie, Danny, and the kids.  They are the ones who keep me sane.

Another vacation day

Sunday was much better than Saturday.  But I did like doing absolutely nothing for a change.  I cleaned house Sunday as much as I could.  Monday I went shopping at the thrift stores I like.  I like shopping with my girls.  We don't have the same tastes in clothes so it's very interesting when we try to pick out things for each other.  "Oh, this would look nice.....on you!"  Then laughter abounds.  

I had such good intentions for these vacation days and I've done almost nothing I planned.  I am the worlds best procrastinator.  "I'm gonna..." is my mantra. And I want to do things.  I have a notebook with all the things I want to do over the next months.  But, nothing so far.

Got a letter from UGA scholarship award fund department.  The monies in the funds haven't changed since March of this year.  Good thing I have 4 more years to get to the total.

It's 10 am Tuesday and I need to get busy.  I must get going, I must get going.  


Mary loves the holidays and I am sad.

 

2nd Day of Vacation

Ok.  Let's move the elephant.  The week of Feb 14th 2011 is the trial.  Jury selection will start on Monday afternoon and hopefully all will be finished by Friday.  After all, like the ADA said, what evidence could they possibly offer to prove innocence.  They will pick a part the state's evidence.  

For his ticket, he got 20 days suspended jail time with supervised probation for a year, $100 file, court costs, and other costs I think.  I lost concentration when they said "suspended jail time".  My mouth was gaping open and I think I said "whatttttt????" a little too loud.  Sorry it took so long to write this but it pissed me off royally even though I sat through two other DUI's who got suspended sentences too. Why can't the judges and jury be the people who have been affected by the crimes committed?  Those are the real "peers".  Yes, I know there are innocent people charged with crimes but in this particular case he is not innocent.  Just fess up like a kid who stole the candy bar and life would be easier for you or at least for your conscience.  We will not go up for the Dec 6th court date because he doesn't have to appear in court.  Just has to show himself to the ADA that morning.  Ugh!


I think someone is living in Mary and Tony's house.  A friend saw people in it while driving by.  I don't want to over there.  Haven't been since we closed it up last summer. It still hurts driving up the same roads on our way to Carol's but we have family in Hayesville and that's not going to change.  But I will not drive the road from Hayesville to Franklin, I will not.


I realize it's been 20 months since we last saw Mary's face in the flesh or heard her sweet voice.  I also realize a lot of people affected by our loss have made life changing decisions and moves and may not be able to come to the trial as promised.  If you need my understanding, I understand that you will still be here in spirit and I will tell you each evening exactly what happened even if it is biased.  I can't put it on FB but here or a phone call will do.


Now for my vacation... today is Sunday.  Yesterday was a total unadulterated waste of 19 hours.  I did have to sleep a little so that wasn't wasted.  I could not get myself going. I sat in my chair and read, played on my Itouch, watched tv, dreamed, stared at the walls, wished I had some energy to do something.  After all it's not like I don't have anything to do.  I have way too much to do to be doing nothing.  If I'd had a pill that could have got me going I would have taken it.  I hate doing nothing and that was all I could muster yesterday.  I didn't cook, barely got up to pee, I did feed the doggies (their water bowl was dry).  Except for wishing I was dead I physically felt like I did that first few months.  I have had days like this before but not to the extent that I wished it was another day and I was another person.   I had vacation days over the last 20 months and I don't remember feeling this lost.  Albeit most of them were spent at the Hayesville court house some were here at home doing constructive things.  What's different?


I guess if I don't quit typing and get off by butt I repeat yesterday.  I can see Mary waving for me to come on saying "let's get going so we can go shopping this afternoon".  We do love to go thrift store and antique shopping together.  I'm going to make a bumper sticker that says "Life sucks so let's go shopping".    I will tell you tonight what Mary and I did today.  If I have someone to be accountable to I'm more likely to keep my word to myself.  Thanks for being there for me.

Maybe....

Thursday is a court date for his driving with an open container.  I think he has to appear at this one.  I'll get my chance to stare him down.  Wonder if the DA will make him wait till he's the last person in the courtroom again?  Maybe he has no money and can't pay his fine and he'll go to jail.  Maybe....Maybe.... Maybe...
You know what my next maybe is....