Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Sunday, April 13, 2014
Open concept living
Yes, yes ,yes. My heart is bleeding, definitely bleeding and it seems there is no end to the stream. But, something is changing. Not sure what it is just yet but things are starting to move around. I feel more like a blind man touching his way around a room not knowing what to expect next. No foot holds to follow, no ropes to pull me along, no compass of up or down. Just open air and little glimmers of light when I touch something. Let's see where this leads today.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
5 years and counting
Why do I sit year after year
Constantly staring into the rear
Of my life?
Why do I look day after day
To find reason or way
To my life?
Why do I think this life is about me when I am but a grain of sand on the beach? I am one of an infinite number of beings whose life, memories, feelings have come and gone like a blink of an eye. So who cares about the past or the future? Maybe only the present is relevant. What am I doing right now? Is that what's important? Is it good, or bad? Right or wrong? Funny or sad? Do I have an effect on anyone other than my family? Did my smile brighten someone's day? Did my curse make someone cry? Did my hug smother or console?
Someone writes a book that millions of people read. Then those people die as life goes. What good did reading that book do? It may have helped in the moments of reading but does it change the life of those who read it? And for how long, a day, a week, a second?
My questions go unanswered as I know they always shall. I wish I could stop asking them. Unfortunately the first question you ask as a child is "why". And it is never answered.
Constantly staring into the rear
Of my life?
Why do I look day after day
To find reason or way
To my life?
Why do I think this life is about me when I am but a grain of sand on the beach? I am one of an infinite number of beings whose life, memories, feelings have come and gone like a blink of an eye. So who cares about the past or the future? Maybe only the present is relevant. What am I doing right now? Is that what's important? Is it good, or bad? Right or wrong? Funny or sad? Do I have an effect on anyone other than my family? Did my smile brighten someone's day? Did my curse make someone cry? Did my hug smother or console?
Someone writes a book that millions of people read. Then those people die as life goes. What good did reading that book do? It may have helped in the moments of reading but does it change the life of those who read it? And for how long, a day, a week, a second?
My questions go unanswered as I know they always shall. I wish I could stop asking them. Unfortunately the first question you ask as a child is "why". And it is never answered.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Life is...
Life is a path of boulders and holes. Neither of which are good for the ankles. You fall off the boulder and into the hole. The light you saw standing on top of the boulder is now blackened by the walls of the hole.
Life is a path of lily pads on a pond. None of them will hold your weight so you better learn to swim.
Life is a path of with no hand holds, no directions, no net to catch you, no light to guide you so why do we walk down that path? What is behind us that drives away from where we stand? Is it not safe? Are we forced to keep moving by some force we can't see? Or is it there right in front of us but we choose not to look.
Life is a path of choices, a constant stream of splits in the road. Take the lesser of two evils if you are afraid or the greater if you are stupid. Which is better, fear or stupidity? Because bravery is just a figment of your imagination.
Life is a box of chocolates. Yes, when you are young and ready to start down that path. Sometimes your born on the path and there never will be any chocolates.
Oh my, oh my... What is wrong with me?
Life is a path of lily pads on a pond. None of them will hold your weight so you better learn to swim.
Life is a path of with no hand holds, no directions, no net to catch you, no light to guide you so why do we walk down that path? What is behind us that drives away from where we stand? Is it not safe? Are we forced to keep moving by some force we can't see? Or is it there right in front of us but we choose not to look.
Life is a path of choices, a constant stream of splits in the road. Take the lesser of two evils if you are afraid or the greater if you are stupid. Which is better, fear or stupidity? Because bravery is just a figment of your imagination.
Life is a box of chocolates. Yes, when you are young and ready to start down that path. Sometimes your born on the path and there never will be any chocolates.
Oh my, oh my... What is wrong with me?
Oh my!
It's been just over a year.
Poems
When you smile and cry
From the joy in your life
Your heart expands with love.
When you smile and cry
From the grief in your life
Your heart caves in from the pain.
HOPE
I sit in a chair and slap my arm
Trying to figure out where I came from.
Not who I was when I was born, but who
I am not that you are gone.
Window panes of see thru glass
Coloring books with a lifeless past
Two dimensional photos staring back at me
While I just sit and cry
You died. I cried.
My soul bled red life.
My heart did crack
Never to be whole again.
And now I sit in my rocking chair
Dreaming of life gone by
Tomorrows come with no relief
Todays I can only bare.
Where is the hope that I once had...
It crawled into a hole and died.
GRIEF
I don't do death and dying very well.
And you don't need a referee between you and your conscience.
You know the difference between true and real and false and phony.
And if you don't you'll learn very shortly.
If this is your first true close encounter with the face of death you'll understand why I can't be there.
It wears a mask of sadness but underneath is a shinning light of pure peace and forgiveness.
For it is life that wears a mask of happiness but underneath is pure pain and revenge. The unforgiven walk the earth as do the unforgiving.
Regret stops at deaths door for those dying. They can't do anything about it now. It's the living that keep hate and sorrow fed. Death is a wake up call that slaps you in the face.
It asks the question, are you trying to hurt the one you love or do you want what's best for them?
This is not a recollection of all that life is. Just a reminder to be careful of what you wish for, what you pray for, when the last seconds are ticking down.
Some use god to take away the pain like the morphine drip for the dying.
Some pretend and some just don't really care.
As much as I've tried to hide my grief, put on the facade of strength and courage, I have not "healed", I am a walking wimp.
I do what it takes to get by, hanging on to those who put up with me.
To those who morn, you do not want me around you in these last hours before death brings relief. I would be a black hole sucking in the life around me.
You need perseverance (not strength) and solitude to understand what's happening to you. And some day you might. I haven't yet.
I don't do death and dying.
I am not good at it.
Those are a few things I wrote over last year. So much more in my head and it's expanding too fast. I hear people thinking that it's time to let go and get on with my life. I just ignore them. They don't understand. But the direction has changed. It's time for me to take the blame for the relationships in my life. Take a good look at myself. And hope I don't throw up.
Poems
When you smile and cry
From the joy in your life
Your heart expands with love.
When you smile and cry
From the grief in your life
Your heart caves in from the pain.
HOPE
I sit in a chair and slap my arm
Trying to figure out where I came from.
Not who I was when I was born, but who
I am not that you are gone.
Window panes of see thru glass
Coloring books with a lifeless past
Two dimensional photos staring back at me
While I just sit and cry
You died. I cried.
My soul bled red life.
My heart did crack
Never to be whole again.
And now I sit in my rocking chair
Dreaming of life gone by
Tomorrows come with no relief
Todays I can only bare.
Where is the hope that I once had...
It crawled into a hole and died.
GRIEF
I don't do death and dying very well.
And you don't need a referee between you and your conscience.
You know the difference between true and real and false and phony.
And if you don't you'll learn very shortly.
If this is your first true close encounter with the face of death you'll understand why I can't be there.
It wears a mask of sadness but underneath is a shinning light of pure peace and forgiveness.
For it is life that wears a mask of happiness but underneath is pure pain and revenge. The unforgiven walk the earth as do the unforgiving.
Regret stops at deaths door for those dying. They can't do anything about it now. It's the living that keep hate and sorrow fed. Death is a wake up call that slaps you in the face.
It asks the question, are you trying to hurt the one you love or do you want what's best for them?
This is not a recollection of all that life is. Just a reminder to be careful of what you wish for, what you pray for, when the last seconds are ticking down.
Some use god to take away the pain like the morphine drip for the dying.
Some pretend and some just don't really care.
As much as I've tried to hide my grief, put on the facade of strength and courage, I have not "healed", I am a walking wimp.
I do what it takes to get by, hanging on to those who put up with me.
To those who morn, you do not want me around you in these last hours before death brings relief. I would be a black hole sucking in the life around me.
You need perseverance (not strength) and solitude to understand what's happening to you. And some day you might. I haven't yet.
I don't do death and dying.
I am not good at it.
Those are a few things I wrote over last year. So much more in my head and it's expanding too fast. I hear people thinking that it's time to let go and get on with my life. I just ignore them. They don't understand. But the direction has changed. It's time for me to take the blame for the relationships in my life. Take a good look at myself. And hope I don't throw up.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
A different kind of pain...
The first year after Mary left, was taken, disappeared, I needed to be as close to her as I could be. At first wearing her clothes helped, keeping the pictures of her up and around, I thought would help but it didn't. Listening to her music hurt worse. I was not in control of my life. Yes I know no one is truly in control. That's probably why religions tell you that god is in control. I think it's a way to not take responsibility for you actions. But..... I did take control of the only thing a person can control 95% (nothing is 100%) of the time - what I ate. I wanted to weigh what Mary weighed, 100 pounds. She's 5'4" and I am an inch shorter so I knew it was possible, mainly because I wasn't hungry.
I got down to 105#. My doctor and friends didn't like seeing me at that weight. But I stayed there for awhile. Last year I got back to 120#, bought new clothes, even started wearing makeup.
Now I have lost control of even that. I am eating no more than I have been for the last year and yet I have gained 12 pounds in 4-5 months. My clothes have slowly gotten tighter. I have been eating the same amount or less. But less slows down your metabolism. So with the new year I started walking on out treadmill. One hour up to level 3, 2-3 times a week. Still gaining.
Here's the worst part, my hip muscles are having spasms, I can barely walk, and am on pain meds that don't seem to be helping. All from exercising too much. My last vestige of phantom control, gone. My doc is checking my thyroid level. If it's off then there's an easy fix. If it's not, more tests. Meanwhile I may have to start wearing baggy clothes.
Danny couldn't really control what he ate since everything affected his heart. But he controlled when, where, and how long he slept. Doesn't sound like a big thing but every little bit helps.
My little bit is gone, at least for now.
I got down to 105#. My doctor and friends didn't like seeing me at that weight. But I stayed there for awhile. Last year I got back to 120#, bought new clothes, even started wearing makeup.
Now I have lost control of even that. I am eating no more than I have been for the last year and yet I have gained 12 pounds in 4-5 months. My clothes have slowly gotten tighter. I have been eating the same amount or less. But less slows down your metabolism. So with the new year I started walking on out treadmill. One hour up to level 3, 2-3 times a week. Still gaining.
Here's the worst part, my hip muscles are having spasms, I can barely walk, and am on pain meds that don't seem to be helping. All from exercising too much. My last vestige of phantom control, gone. My doc is checking my thyroid level. If it's off then there's an easy fix. If it's not, more tests. Meanwhile I may have to start wearing baggy clothes.
Danny couldn't really control what he ate since everything affected his heart. But he controlled when, where, and how long he slept. Doesn't sound like a big thing but every little bit helps.
My little bit is gone, at least for now.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Who? Why?
Who am I writing for? Why am I writing? I don't want to write anymore. I don't feel the urge to start cutting on my arms just to see the blood flow either. I know what's under the thin layer of "resignation" skin that I so carefully caress. Every time I see or hear something about a child dying I turn the other way, stop reading or listening, lest I fall apart.
I am handling my life as best I can. I am not joyful, gushingly happy, frantically positive but I'm walking and breathing. I have things to do to keep me busy enough to give me time to focus on today with out falling into the "life sucks" abyss. And believe me, life does suck - even when you think you are having fun.
Other people are just as good at fooling themselves about reality as I am. I'm not the only person who ignores pain and truth. People believe in life after death because they don't want to believe it's the end either for themselves or someone else. But since no one actually knows what happens after your last breath it's easier for them to pretend. I choose, in this matter, not to pretend. I have just resigned myself to knowing I'll find out one day. Getting to heaven is not a reason to be a good person. You should be good no matter where you end up.
Anyway, I can't write everyday like I promised. And who, exactly, did I promise? Who reads these words? I know who read the ones I wrote after Mary left. I also know they stopped reading them because it hurt them too much to read it. So, in the end I was writing to myself anyway. I supposed it helped because I thought I was writing to the world. And I wanted everyone in it to know exactly how much worse the world was without Mary. I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. But no body was listening in the end.
It's not that I don't want the world to know how much it hurts not to have Danny in it. It's that I can't stand the pain of describing it.
So I won't. He understands.
I am handling my life as best I can. I am not joyful, gushingly happy, frantically positive but I'm walking and breathing. I have things to do to keep me busy enough to give me time to focus on today with out falling into the "life sucks" abyss. And believe me, life does suck - even when you think you are having fun.
Other people are just as good at fooling themselves about reality as I am. I'm not the only person who ignores pain and truth. People believe in life after death because they don't want to believe it's the end either for themselves or someone else. But since no one actually knows what happens after your last breath it's easier for them to pretend. I choose, in this matter, not to pretend. I have just resigned myself to knowing I'll find out one day. Getting to heaven is not a reason to be a good person. You should be good no matter where you end up.
Anyway, I can't write everyday like I promised. And who, exactly, did I promise? Who reads these words? I know who read the ones I wrote after Mary left. I also know they stopped reading them because it hurt them too much to read it. So, in the end I was writing to myself anyway. I supposed it helped because I thought I was writing to the world. And I wanted everyone in it to know exactly how much worse the world was without Mary. I wanted to scream it at the top of my lungs. But no body was listening in the end.
It's not that I don't want the world to know how much it hurts not to have Danny in it. It's that I can't stand the pain of describing it.
So I won't. He understands.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
My bad!
Yes, it is hard to get back to putting on paper what rattles around in my head. But I'm trying. I will write more today or tonight. I just don't have that "life is great" feeling anymore. I think I've lost it somewhere....I've fallen and I can't get up. Or I don't want to get up.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Day 3
Some one said "tough times don't last, tough people do". Replace the word "tough" with other words - hard, soft, mean, funny, etc. What do you get? Meaningless dribble. Lots of little sayings to make you feel better but they don't.
We'll talk about "hope" tomorrow night. Another phantom meaning.
I did walk on the treadmill tonight. 2 days in a row.
We'll talk about "hope" tomorrow night. Another phantom meaning.
I did walk on the treadmill tonight. 2 days in a row.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Day 2
There we go. Another year come and gone, another year to get through... I was supposed to start this yesterday but I only thought about it. I did start one new action. I am starting each day off with a big glass of water. And I'm going to try to eat something for breakfast. Today I even did a few sit-ups. That which is displayed in my mind hardly ever gets to my arms and legs but I'm going to try this year.
New Year's Day was uneventful. Moved my shoes and sweaters to Gabe's room and neaten end up my shelves. Went to a movie with Bonni, knitted, played a game, fed the doggies, worked on plans for Ann's party. When you put it on paper my life is boring. I'm sure I did something else but what I didn't do is wash the dishes.
I guess that dude will start working on the floor this week.
Talked to Sherrell for a few minutes. She made it back from the other side. I was a little worried she might not make it. I'll go visit her once and then let her and me get on with our lives.
Gotta get ready for work.
Love you Mary, love you Danny.
Holding on to Julie.
New Year's Day was uneventful. Moved my shoes and sweaters to Gabe's room and neaten end up my shelves. Went to a movie with Bonni, knitted, played a game, fed the doggies, worked on plans for Ann's party. When you put it on paper my life is boring. I'm sure I did something else but what I didn't do is wash the dishes.
I guess that dude will start working on the floor this week.
Talked to Sherrell for a few minutes. She made it back from the other side. I was a little worried she might not make it. I'll go visit her once and then let her and me get on with our lives.
Gotta get ready for work.
Love you Mary, love you Danny.
Holding on to Julie.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Not sure any more
It's getting a little harder each day to fool myself into believing Danny is in Alaska. But then if I know that it's not true, who am I really fooling?
I hate going downstairs to his room to let the dogs out.it's empty and cold and so not him. Know we couldn't just keep his room the way it was. That's reality. Not the one I want but the one I'm living in none the less.
Those that possess something in great quantities sometimes tend to devalue it. Those with money, burn it. Those with people, take them for granted. And those with time on their hands, waste life on the unimportant. The only thing you can't have too much of is love and sometimes it's not enough.
So I wil keep playing the fool, pretending that all is fair in love and war. But the hurt isn't going away. And the dam is going to break one day.
I hate going downstairs to his room to let the dogs out.it's empty and cold and so not him. Know we couldn't just keep his room the way it was. That's reality. Not the one I want but the one I'm living in none the less.
Those that possess something in great quantities sometimes tend to devalue it. Those with money, burn it. Those with people, take them for granted. And those with time on their hands, waste life on the unimportant. The only thing you can't have too much of is love and sometimes it's not enough.
So I wil keep playing the fool, pretending that all is fair in love and war. But the hurt isn't going away. And the dam is going to break one day.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Ghosts
Tears streak through the white washed mask
so well displayed for all to see
Bare wood memories start to splinter as
the mind grasps the reality of loneliness
Odors of yesterday fill the daydream
while sounds arc across phantom air
Visions of smiles and shuffling feet move
through cobwebs in the mind
Sometimes what you do know can hurt
even if you don't know when
Death sleeps silently unable to waken
from its ghostly slumber of the ages
so well displayed for all to see
Bare wood memories start to splinter as
the mind grasps the reality of loneliness
Odors of yesterday fill the daydream
while sounds arc across phantom air
Visions of smiles and shuffling feet move
through cobwebs in the mind
Sometimes what you do know can hurt
even if you don't know when
Death sleeps silently unable to waken
from its ghostly slumber of the ages
Monday, February 27, 2012
Oh my
I didn't realize it had been this long since I last wrote. I keep trying to find things to keep my mind busy but I'm running out of ideas. Can't shop forever, running out of money. Can't paint forever, running out of ideas. Eating too much, sleeping to little, thinking when I don't want to. Can't ignore the hurt like I thought I could.
I am stuck. Still standing in the middle of that dessert, but the stand storm is kicking up. Guess I'll try writing here again.
Gave up Facebook mostly. Maybe once or twice a week for 5 minutes. Don't follow hearts anymore. Getting to where I don't really like painting them either.
Let's face it. I'm just stuck.
I am stuck. Still standing in the middle of that dessert, but the stand storm is kicking up. Guess I'll try writing here again.
Gave up Facebook mostly. Maybe once or twice a week for 5 minutes. Don't follow hearts anymore. Getting to where I don't really like painting them either.
Let's face it. I'm just stuck.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New year...
Yesterday I spent the whole day painting. Today I'm heading to Canada to start back to work. I wonder how long I can keep up this facade? Am I fooling anyone but myself?
I gave Michael a little bit so Danny so he could get to Utah like he wanted to. Next will be Las Vegas. Then both of them will finally be where they wanted to be most of all, Chilkat Lake.
I am going to make some lockett's like Mary's. Julie got her Danny tattoo last week.
I can tell you I am a different person entirely than I was 3 years ago. I am not who I thought I was going to be either. I have no plans other than today. So let's see what happens this week.
I gave Michael a little bit so Danny so he could get to Utah like he wanted to. Next will be Las Vegas. Then both of them will finally be where they wanted to be most of all, Chilkat Lake.
I am going to make some lockett's like Mary's. Julie got her Danny tattoo last week.
I can tell you I am a different person entirely than I was 3 years ago. I am not who I thought I was going to be either. I have no plans other than today. So let's see what happens this week.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
SBT
So this is the end of a year with great highs and lows. Lows so deep I didn't want to keep going. Highs high enough to make me smile for a week. But I've lost all the joy I once had. Don't know when I'll get it back if ever.
So I sit here watching old tv shows as if time will go back to when they were made. Every nite I go to sleep reliving the last hour. I can't get it out of my head. Just like I couldn't get the crash out.
Get on with the business of living I keep telling my self. Sometimes I listen.
I got up this morning to work on my art. Sat down at 9am to log on to work to see if they needed me and got up at 5pm. My doc said I should go back to work to give some structure. And I am but I haven't got the heart for it I use to have. It took me a long time to get it back after Mary left and now I'm afraid it's gone for good. But I have bill to pay so.... Good thing I like my co workers..they are some of the best friends I have.
Sad but true.... Sbt
So I sit here watching old tv shows as if time will go back to when they were made. Every nite I go to sleep reliving the last hour. I can't get it out of my head. Just like I couldn't get the crash out.
Get on with the business of living I keep telling my self. Sometimes I listen.
I got up this morning to work on my art. Sat down at 9am to log on to work to see if they needed me and got up at 5pm. My doc said I should go back to work to give some structure. And I am but I haven't got the heart for it I use to have. It took me a long time to get it back after Mary left and now I'm afraid it's gone for good. But I have bill to pay so.... Good thing I like my co workers..they are some of the best friends I have.
Sad but true.... Sbt
Thursday, December 29, 2011
My bad...
A girl Danny's age that we visited at Emory got a heart this week. Started having the same troubles that Danny did but now her kidney's are working. Her new heart is having a little trouble so she is still critical. I can't help but feel a little jealous.
It's been 5 days now and she's still having trouble. I'm so sorry she's still in icu. Everyone is giving god all the praises. What's going to happen if it all goes wrong. What will the praises be about then? Is that mean? If I could pray I would. But I truly hope she gets well.
I have to quit reading all the transplant links and remove them. I'll the buddies but not the rest. It hurts more than I had thought it would. I'm so confused.
It's been 5 days now and she's still having trouble. I'm so sorry she's still in icu. Everyone is giving god all the praises. What's going to happen if it all goes wrong. What will the praises be about then? Is that mean? If I could pray I would. But I truly hope she gets well.
I have to quit reading all the transplant links and remove them. I'll the buddies but not the rest. It hurts more than I had thought it would. I'm so confused.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Uummmm
I miss my kids,too. Long day yesterday. Things to do, places to go, people to see. But no joy in seeing the sunrise. Every day is a little too long for me. Thanks, Kerry, for trying to distract me with wonderful toys. It works for a little bit. Then the numbness comes back because I don't have Danny to run to and show my toys to. Or argue with about letting him have them, or talking about getting him the same thing. After all, it's only money and you can't take it with you.
Distractions are good for only so much anesthesia.
Distractions are good for only so much anesthesia.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Shopping again
Yes, shopping again. This time with Cindy and Amber. Getting Cindy's hair cut and my hair place then to lunch with Amber and on to shopping. Boy do I like to spend money. Don't have any but that's not stopping me. This is my escape, my release, the faux kleenex for my heart when it's bleeding.
I have more pictures to create. I can feel them. Just need some peace and quiet. Maybe I'll take another art class. Never know.
Wednesday night I didn't go sleep. Got in bed at 2am after finishing a hat and laid there until Kerry got up at 4am. Then I just got up too. Went back to making hats again and drinking coffee. Just sitting in my chair with the quiet darkness outside and the little light on over my head reminds me I am still standing in the middle of the desert. Nothing has changed. Still sand everywhere with some of the glassy spots still laying around. I guess I could try to step on one of them but I'm not going to. I'm quite comfortable standing here. Those spots might give way and I'll fall. I know they lead somewhere but I'm not in the mood to find out where. One day.
I have more pictures to create. I can feel them. Just need some peace and quiet. Maybe I'll take another art class. Never know.
Wednesday night I didn't go sleep. Got in bed at 2am after finishing a hat and laid there until Kerry got up at 4am. Then I just got up too. Went back to making hats again and drinking coffee. Just sitting in my chair with the quiet darkness outside and the little light on over my head reminds me I am still standing in the middle of the desert. Nothing has changed. Still sand everywhere with some of the glassy spots still laying around. I guess I could try to step on one of them but I'm not going to. I'm quite comfortable standing here. Those spots might give way and I'll fall. I know they lead somewhere but I'm not in the mood to find out where. One day.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
You can too
I am not strong
I am not weak
I just am
You can be too.
I don't know what it's like to live on the precipice of life. To wonder each night if you will wake up the next morning. I'm pretty sure that hope keeps you going and every day that you wake up is a good day no matter how you feel. But that's just a guess. That's what you always said.
I'm sorry the last few years were not as good as they could have been but I know the last few months were the best. I have no regrets about our relationship. We knew what love is and learned to accept each other as equals. You pushed others to expand themselves. Some could, some couldn't. You took nothing for granted. You faith is in the love of your family and friends. You are the best part of me.
I am not sorry that I am hurting
Not sorry that I am sad.
It' not easy to hurt like this
Not easy to feel bad.
I can't just shake it off
like the rain upon your coat.
And I can't just walk away
from a life I've always known.
I feel your presence everywhere
your footsteps in the halls
your laughter in the echos
of the quiet on your walls.
When I reach to touch your face
I wipe away a tear
There's only empty space I see
And what's left is cold, hard fear
You've gone from womb to tomb my child
And the good die young they say
So many catchy phrases used
Spit out to save the day.
I'm not sorry that I don't smile anymore
Laughter hardens a broken heart
And I'm not sorry I held you
as you left this life of ours
But I will survive,
You made sure,
I will survive.
I am not weak
I just am
You can be too.
I don't know what it's like to live on the precipice of life. To wonder each night if you will wake up the next morning. I'm pretty sure that hope keeps you going and every day that you wake up is a good day no matter how you feel. But that's just a guess. That's what you always said.
I'm sorry the last few years were not as good as they could have been but I know the last few months were the best. I have no regrets about our relationship. We knew what love is and learned to accept each other as equals. You pushed others to expand themselves. Some could, some couldn't. You took nothing for granted. You faith is in the love of your family and friends. You are the best part of me.
I am not sorry that I am hurting
Not sorry that I am sad.
It' not easy to hurt like this
Not easy to feel bad.
I can't just shake it off
like the rain upon your coat.
And I can't just walk away
from a life I've always known.
I feel your presence everywhere
your footsteps in the halls
your laughter in the echos
of the quiet on your walls.
When I reach to touch your face
I wipe away a tear
There's only empty space I see
And what's left is cold, hard fear
You've gone from womb to tomb my child
And the good die young they say
So many catchy phrases used
Spit out to save the day.
I'm not sorry that I don't smile anymore
Laughter hardens a broken heart
And I'm not sorry I held you
as you left this life of ours
But I will survive,
You made sure,
I will survive.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Time...
This time
Last time
Next time
More time
What does time stand for?
Your time
My time
Their time
Our time
When time is up, what's next?
You frown
I mile
She laughs
He cries
Our faces give us away.
Hearts feel
Minds think
Understand that
Eyes blink
Reality changes that fast.
Peace and love
You cannot steal
Neither can they be a gift
They are packaged in the deal.
You think because I don't hold god's hand that I can't find what you call peace? Is your peace making your fate, your destiny, someone else's responsibility? I have no one to blame or praise for my choices but myself. If god gave me anything he gave me a brain.
Religions say the only way to peace is through their god. And there are so many religions so there must be many gods. Which one is right or are they all right, or equally wrong?
There is no explanation for life - it just is. But there is love. Think with your heart.
Last time
Next time
More time
What does time stand for?
Your time
My time
Their time
Our time
When time is up, what's next?
You frown
I mile
She laughs
He cries
Our faces give us away.
Hearts feel
Minds think
Understand that
Eyes blink
Reality changes that fast.
Peace and love
You cannot steal
Neither can they be a gift
They are packaged in the deal.
You think because I don't hold god's hand that I can't find what you call peace? Is your peace making your fate, your destiny, someone else's responsibility? I have no one to blame or praise for my choices but myself. If god gave me anything he gave me a brain.
Religions say the only way to peace is through their god. And there are so many religions so there must be many gods. Which one is right or are they all right, or equally wrong?
There is no explanation for life - it just is. But there is love. Think with your heart.
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